This Is Why You're Broke

Because HE Opens As John Connor Tomorrow

2009-05-20T12:16:00.001-07:00

Even without Arnold, this has to be seen in the theater due to this man.

Because You're An Academic

2009-05-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

It wasn't too long ago (maybe a few months) that Erin and I had a conversation about why it can be so hard for academics to find a new job. Growing up it was all quite simple, if you studied and worked hard, you got A's in school. There was always a way to advance yourself through more reading or additional work. The real world is unfortunately nothing like that.

I don't network. I don't kiss ass. I don't join clubs. I don't sleep with people to advance myself. My parents are middle class, non-professionals who worked and sacrificed for all that they have.

I was born a writer, went to NYU and had fabulous internships. As I get older, it seems the only place that hard work and a brain does pay off is in the classroom. Most of the people I have worked with, especially the ones I most recently reported to, were and remain complete idiots. Yet they still have jobs because they have no shame, pride or book list that doesn't contain the latest Dan Brown novel.

It's not a pretentious, self-absorbed rant--it's fucking annoying...perhaps that's why most people who like to read and write continue as professional students, because being smart actually works then. John Galt, where are you?

Because Broadway Is Actually Good This Year

2009-05-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Such a Great Show With That Last Act

Having seen August: Osage County and reasons to be pretty this year, I couldn't agree with this article more, except that ticket prices to see my "Uncle Tony" in God of Carnage continue to prove a problem for the unemployed...maybe they need a seat usher? Or someone to clean up the vomit that spews in the second act?

Because You're Scared Of Your Brain Off Drugs

2009-05-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I had a headache that lasted an entire year. Each morning when I woke up it crept up in the shower and continued through numerous over-the-counter pills, vodka tonics and nights spent locked in a dark bedroom. I went through lots of tests that year-was it a brain tumor? Did I have a head injury? I even went into the emergency room one night when I could not longer see straight where they had the audacity to think I would agree to a spinal tap. Finally, it clicked with a neurologist at NYU-I suffered from severe anxiety.

I've had it all my life in some form, but all it took was the catalyst of a moronic ex-boyfriend for the serotonin in my brain to completely deplete, resulting in a migraine that only intensified as I grew more and more tense. I auditioned a series of drugs to see what worked for me and got rid of the idiot living with me immediately. I took a two week trip to Germany and started my first full time job as a media reporter. I started to breathe again.

Then five months later, a doctor got a great idea to take me off medication since I had been feeling better. What he didn't realize was that I was feeling better because of the Lexapro. What ensued was a horrifying three week episode of severe panic attacks from the absence of the SSRI. I developed a tongue tick where I made my teeth bleed.

Anyhow, I know I normally tend to be funny and biting in these posts, but in reality, my biggest expense after rent is medication and I have never been one to shun away from honesty. I spend $120/month ($60 every 15 days) on Lexapro, so I can function during the day, $10/month on clonazopan for those moments when things get really bad and the headaches creep up (a once agai daily occurrence since being laid off) and $60/month on Ambien CR, so I can sleep. Add on $80/month for therapy to go along with the drugs ($40/session) and you can see how one could easily go broke--with insurance.

I currently don't have insurance...and my former con-artist employer seems to be hoarding the COBRA papers like a kosher sandwich from Katz, so you can imagine what these drugs and appointments are going to cost me without United Healthcare's (un) affordable policy.

What scares me more though than selling a kidney for these medications is living without them. What would my brain do? I dare not experiment.

Because Grace, Style & Fresh Flowers Don't Come Cheap

2009-05-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

What Would Audrey Do?

A manual to live like your icon unfortunately reads more like a shopping list

Because You Find These People Deplorable

2009-05-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Fortune’s Children

I prefer the formerly homeless to the lavishly wealthy by means of mommy and daddy any day...I mean look at this douche bag.

Because Your Grandparents Immigrated

2009-05-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Thriving Norway Provides an Economics Lesson

Someone take me back to my homeland...please...I am ready to go now...

Because Your Dog Is Too Good For A Wee-Wee Pad

2009-05-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

It is common knowledge by now that my puppy is a diva. It even says so on her water dish. Though it is hard to know where she developed such behavior (ha), one thing is very clear to my nose--her wee-wee towel sits under my kitchen table. Yes, I work at gaining employment smelling urine all day.

I spent close to $100 on wee-wee pads, only for LB to destroy them and run around with them in her mouth, taunting me for being such a fool. She prefers to urinate on a nice soft towel and then take a toy and lay in that said towel and urine pool. Rolling in it...looking at me...fucking loving it.

The amount of money and time I spend at the laundromat is in vain, as her urine seems to out-smell the strongest of bleaches. She is currently looking at me as if she is an angel and I just had to open all the windows in the house...she must have gotten into some asparagus.

Because You Haven't Become This Desperate...Yet

2009-05-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Glenn BeckTrolling Craigslist for a Writer

Mercury Radio Arts is the New York based production company owned by Radio and TV host Glenn Beck.

Mercury seeks a writer for contributions to Glenn's radio program, magazine, and web site. The ideal candidate will have a strong interest in news, current events, and politics.

Key responsibilities will include contributing original content to GlennBeck.com and to Glenn's radio program and magazine. Writing will include a mix of short pieces and long articles, fact-based commentary on the news of the day, etc.

Requirements:

• Strong written and verbal communication skills• Research skills• At least 2 years of journalism experience

Interested candidates, please send resume, cover letter, and at least 3 writing samples. Cover letters must include salary requirements to be eligible for consideration.

Location: New York, NY

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Because Your Friend's Parents Got Bored In The Winter

2009-05-14T19:44:00.001-07:00

Why is May/June the season for birthdays? And not just any birthdays, but ones that warrant gift buying and dinner attendance. Were all your parents that bored during the same time in winter that they had to have sex?

I love and adore my friends and thoroughly enjoy spoiling them rotten, but you people are killing me. My co-founder Miss Erin has her big day next week, followed by a certain man in my life, ending with Father's Day. Perhaps you people would like some food stamps or a homemade gift? I make great collages...

Serenity Now!

Because You Remembered Your Dream

2009-05-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

For the past several years, I was living without goals. I had done it all-worked for Rolling Stone, been published in the NY Times, excelled at NYU, went all over Europe. I thought there was nothing left to conquer, but the growing number of books on my Amazon Wish list.

Maybe it took getting laid off to start motivating me again. I just wish it came with some fucking severance. Today, however, I remembered that teenage dream. I had lunch in the NY Times' building and I remembered...

I saw the rows of desks, the fresh copy, the red pen edits and I remembered...I wanted to work at the NY Times. They are no longer hiring--nor would they hire someone my age, but it was nice to feel again. I also realized that should I seriously pursue this dream again, I would be beyond broke. I would have to build my way up at a local paper--or worse, freelancing and begging for bylines at outrageous publications like New York magazine or Gawker that would completely demoralize me.

So you are broke if you go for your dream and you don't have a trust fund or second job, which believe it or not is harder to find than a first in this city...sigh..at least I got to sample their sushi.

Because You Ascribe To New York Magazine

2009-05-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

While waiting for my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, my eyes wandered over to the "free" magazines in which I decided to "borrow" the new issue of New York based on its cover story: "How the Recessions May Change the City for Better or Worse."

I usually refrain from reading New York as it only serves to pat on the back the pretentious/materialistic/think they know something about art/culture people from the Midwest who have moved to Manhattan. I was not let down by this cover story. The author argues that the recession is a good thing for New York, because hey, volunteering is up and all crimes are down. Maybe that's because there are no paying jobs and no one can afford a gun or a lead pipe.

She also mentioned that the people who get laid off deserved it for being lazy. Oh really? Honey let me remind you, you are writing for New York, not The New Yorker...Also the last recession provided us with Marc Jacob's Grunge line! Wow...I can not wait. Oh, but my clothes already have holes in them...

The unemployed will feel liberated!...More like infuriated.

Because You Are Getting Old

2009-05-13T16:29:00.001-07:00

0.5 oz for $28.50

Because The UES Small Dog Park Is a Bloodbath

2009-05-12T16:41:00.000-07:00

I have enough stress in my life right now; hounding people for a job, eating massive amounts of rice and beans and pasta, making semi-weekly trips to the pawn shop, is it too much to ask to sit at the small dog park and let Lil Bubba play? Apparently it is as this afternoon's brawl (of people) proved.

Lil B and I were prancing up the steps and could already hear the yelling. Dog walkers and owners fighting over the fact that the same people are continuously bringing larger dogs into the small dog park. The sign on the fence boldly says your dog must be less than 25 lbs to enter. I know reading is a luxury trait these days, but come on people. I do not want your snuggaluffagus/woolly mammoth lurching at my small pure bred.

As soon as I entered I was approached by a yapping woman about how I felt on the matter. I said that I don't think the larger dogs should be allowed in, because they are a safety hazard to the little ones. Everyone naturally had an opinion alliances were quickly formed, with several fuck yous being exchanged throughout. All the while the dogs continued to play--and then I saw it. One of the illegal large beasts lunged at Lil B, MY LB. In my attempt to stop it, my hand got stuck in the metal fence and split my nail so bad that blood began to pour, opening myself up to swine flu (is that still "in" now btw and whatever else these mutants have in their sweater vests). Thankfully, Lil B bitched slapped the large MUTT before it could do her any harm. That was it; I was now fully engaged in the battle.

Dogs that are big enough to smother mine, need to move their hairy asses to the large dog park literally next door. Eventually, our side prevailed and we had the large dog owners remove their dogs and a small victory was won until tomorrow when they bring them back and the rage attacks begin again. At least, I was able to yell at someone.

Broke total: $1.99 for anti-septic, $2.99 for Band aids for severed nail, $99 for Reese's for inflicted mental trauma at Duane Reade.

Because You Have An Addiction To Pain

2009-05-12T16:12:00.001-07:00

Why not take control and self-inflict it permanently? Three down...two to go. Ask for Kelly, he catches you when you pass out.

Because You Have To Pay For That Attitude & Incompetence

2009-05-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

There is no other "organization" that baffles and infuriates me more in this city (well, perhaps my now ex-employer who I believe is running a ponzi scheme) than the MTA. Why did I get laid off while they refuse to dispose of the cretins that sit behind the bullet-proof glass reading a book ot sleeping, and have no idea why the L train isn't running today, or the people who speak muffled gibberish over the loudspeaker on the A?

Why is it so hard to make a train run smoothly? Every other major city can do it. Everywhere I have been in Europe has shocked me with its cleanliness, efficiency and mastering of the English language, why is it so hard for these idiots?

Now, instead of laying off these ex-cons, the rest of us unemployed have to pay an extra 25 cents (no fucking way we can afford the monthly passes) per ride so they can continue to take up space. Yes, it could have been worse, but just get rid of all of them. I can't even get on the 6 train going downtown-when it shows up-how are they in so much debt? Also, why would you cut back on cleaning crews when there is a swine flu pandemic?!

And this writer is almost as bitter as me, so please enjoy him:

From Dark Days to Merely Grim at M.T.A.

So it wasn’t doomsday, after all, only gloomsday.

Instead of fare increases in the 25 percent range and appalling service cuts that would have turned many riders into walkers — the so-called doomsday scenario — the board of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority approved a less oppressive plan on Monday.

For the city’s mass-transit passengers, the basic fare will soon rise to $2.25 and not to $2.50, as previously feared. Subway and bus routes that were destined for oblivion are saved — for now.
In short, no doom. But there’s plenty of reason for gloom. There will, rest assured, be pain.

Fares and tolls may not skyrocket but they are nonetheless going up, and at a time when New Yorkers’ pockets are shallower than a Hollywood summer movie. A new fare-rescuing payroll tax will hurt many businesses, not to mention nonprofit organizations already operating on a shoestring. Trains are sure to become dirtier because cleaning crews are scheduled to shrink. And nobody can swear with fingers uncrossed that the worst is over.

If the powers in Albany patted themselves any harder on the back for the transit bailout that they agreed to last week, they might have needed orthopedic surgery. But there is no absolute assurance that further service cuts or fare increases will not be required next year or even sooner.

Moreover, Gov. David A. Paterson and the Legislature put off most of the heavy lifting needed to keep the transit system’s equipment from deteriorating to the sorry state it was in a few decades ago. Those tough decisions await the state’s elected officials as they are about to run for re-election.

Let’s have a show of hands. How many of you find Albany to be an avatar of courage in an election year? That’s what we thought.

Rather than own up to repeated failure by the state — and the city — to give the transit system the money it needs to stay on track, the politicians have resorted to a favorite blood sport: pummeling the transportation authority.

Goodness knows that the authority makes for an easy, and often deserving, target. But more than a few eyes rolled when Malcolm A. Smith, the State Senate majority leader, dragged out a few dreary chestnuts last week to deflect blame from the politicians and to lay it all on the authority. It is “bloated,” Mr. Smith said. It is “a black hole,” he said. It maintains two sets of books, he said, exhuming an old — and discredited — accusation that would have been grounds for prosecution if true.

Intimations of behavior that might be considered criminal are a hoot coming from someone who presides over an institution that has been subject to more indictments in recent years than the Gambino family.

Just over the weekend, State Senator Kevin S. Parker of Brooklyn was charged with assaulting a photographer and Efraín González Jr. of the Bronx, a long-serving senator until this year, pleaded guilty to federal charges of mail fraud...

Because It's Just So Fucking Good

2009-05-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Imported only, none of that domestic shit...

Because You Live With Kafka's Metamorphosis

2009-05-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Because You Have Become Amish

2009-05-11T16:25:00.001-07:00

About a month ago the two bulbs in my kitchen light went out...then one of the two in the bedroom...then the one in the hall. One would think this would be an easy thing to fix. However, this is why I am broke...

The "maintenance" team wants to charge me $10/light bulb (even if I supply the light bulbs) in cash only (naturally, a currency I don't own), because they consider this something I can do myself. I could--if I owned a large ladder to reach the ceiling and wanted to die by unscrewing a very heavy lighting fixture. I am 5'9 and I can't reach it from my kitchen chair either. If I were to step on the Ikea table, I would probably paralyze myself.

So why not buy a floor lamp? Because I am unemployed and these "benefits" the state claims to be paying me pay for my rent and a sandwich. So I have been working by candlelight for the past few weeks. You may think this is romantic, but these suckers burn fast. I am down to my last few here and some of them I can't even get lit, because the wick is so far down, it requires a grill lighter.

Now where is my straw hat, damn it?

Because Your Heels Have Eroded And They Aren't Worth A Cobbler

2009-05-11T15:10:00.001-07:00

If you could even find one...

Why do my heels always erode? These are not payless shoes here...

Because You Need New Business Cards

2009-05-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

MeatCards: Print Your Business Cards On Beef Jerky With A Frickin’ Laser Beam

Because Your Lil Bubba Is A Lil Beast

2009-05-07T13:40:00.001-07:00

Hating to be ignored, my little one was just biting my feet from underneath the kitchen table. She put a hole right through my beloved pair of turquoise Totes slipper socks. Not only does this break my heart, but I am also too broke to do laundry and this was my last pair.

She is currently being caged...

Because Ed McMahon Can't Leave His Hospital Bed

2009-05-07T13:09:00.000-07:00

***Now who will be delivering my million dollar check to my doorstep?

TMZ: McMahon Sues For Broken Neck Diagnosis
McMahon Needs To Give Deposition From ICU

LAS VEGAS -- Ed McMahon is suing Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles for allegedly misdiagnosing a broken neck, according to tmz.com.

Cedars’ lawyer wants to take McMahon’s deposition, but if McMahon, who is struggling with bone cancer, does not sit for his deposition, his case can be thrown out of court, TMZ said.

In legal papers filed with the court and obtained by TMZ, McMahon's lawyer wrote a letter to the Cedars' lawyer saying McMahon could only give a deposition from the UCLA Medical Center, because that's where he's been bedridden in ICU for three months.

The letter states, "He is not able to leave his hospital bed. Please suggest appropriate dates next week. Please be advised that Ed remains in ICU so medical precautions will be necessary at the direction of the attending UCLA staff," TMZ said.

Because It Rains Every Day

2009-05-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

And like other things, your umbrella just can't quite seem to keep it up...

Because You Have Fallen Victim To Corporate Greed

2009-05-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

Who is John Galt?

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was just 20 and only now do I feel it's real power. To have a society where the truly talented people have had to vanish in order to expunge society of the corporate greed and brutal incompetence that has taken over has never seemed more prominent. I like to think that I am now a part of that secret club, on strike, waiting for the time to come back and retake the world.

On Monday, my two year anniversary at my company and the day before I was to embark to Europe on vacation (which naturally had to be canceled), I was laid off. This is the first time since I was legally able to work that I have not had a job. It's scary. It's embarassing and it's downright infuriating. A man will be sending his child to one of the top private schools in the country with ease now, as his stash of Israeli gold continues to build under his mattress as I wait online at pawn shops and look for bottles to deposit.

I was offered no severance, no thank you, no explanation; just an email to make sure I return my keys. We wouldn't want my skinny arms stealing the copier, now would we?

As previously blogged about, NYC unemployment only offers $400/week--barely enough to cover the rent on my studio apartment and food for my beloved puppy. I filed the claim for it yesterday, though I am sure there will be some problem and I will loose precious funds due to more incompetence.

People say I should be excited about my freedom, but it wasn't on my terms (and I don't have a trust fund). I don't get a kareoke party or the satisfaction of saying how much of an asshole my boss was, because then he could contest my unemployment. Being broke leaves us no time to find ourselves or go back to our true passions of writing and art, because student loans don't take that as an excuse for non-payment.

Blog posts will return to being funny soon, though I want to give warning that they will reflect much smaller amounts...maybe Erin and I will even catch a break through pity and secure that book deal we so absolutely deserve. Hint...wink...slap

Because You Maxed Out Your First Credit Card

2009-05-04T08:43:00.001-07:00

Good night, New York!

Because They Are Sold Out At Duane Reade

2009-05-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Only able for purchase on the black market...did you hear about swine flu yet? There doesn't seem to be anything in the papers or on TV...

Because The Incentives To Work Are Long Gone

2009-05-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

There were a lot of perks two years ago when I started working at my current job- (yes, today is my two year anniversary and I am not expecting a thank you, let alone a cake)-summer Fridays, bonuses, actual salaries, staff lunches, plastic silverware, etc. Perhaps my favorite though was the "Hit of the Week" gift card that was fought for every Friday at the weekly staff meeting. Whichever employee had the greatest results that week walked away with a $100 gift card.

The previously listed perks have all been taken away without any analytical information backing them up, but the hit of the week card stayed...that is until Monday. It has been reduced to $50 in order to save a profitable company (in the millions) $3,000/year.

Now, you may say stop complaining, Nicole, you can still win $50, but this is no win. What used to be a fun Friday activity has turned the remaining broke employees to immorally begging, fighting and desperate for a fucking $50 Visa Vanilla gift card that isn't even accepted at most places. It is actually more of a burden to receive it. Let's think about all the things I can't get:

-Groceries, tomorrow's hair cut, a bikini wax, a ride to Newark airport Tuesday, Ambien CR, the hardcover Jenny Holzer book of Truisms at the Whitney, another tattoo, a decent bottle of Jack Daniel's--aka anything worth purchasing.

Instead the card must be put towards something (a usual complete meltdown for cashiers nationwide) or used piecemeal for sandwiches at Pret.

I got paid yesterday and have $200 leftover after bills to last the next 15 days and did I mention I will be in Europe these days and they don't accept gift cards overseas? Please, anyone out there, hire me. I will organize your closet, watch your dog, spoon-feed your drooling grandpa. I'd even work for a "good job."

This post is depressing, and this is why I am broke.

Because You Keep Forgetting To Hit Snooze

2009-04-29T07:30:00.000-07:00

Clocky Alarm Clock

Now available in a chrome finish, Clocky is the alarm clock that can jump down from up to 3 feet and run away and hide if one does not get out of bed on time. After one snooze cycle, Clocky will roll and move around the room with randomly patterned alarm beeps. Clocky's wheels can be disabled if the user wants a conventional alarm clock. Snooze function can be adjusted from zero to nine minutes. Requires four AAA batteries (not included). Made of chrome-plated ABS plastic and rubber.

Recommended for ages 8 and up.

Silver Item# 74856
$60.00
$54.00 Members

Because You're Going To Get Swine Flu

2009-04-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

The best way to avoid swine flu is to wash your hands. We finally received a container of soap in the women's bathroom today (as a result of the "pandemic" that is still unknow). It was purchased from Jack's (the 99 cent story) by my boss and says nothing about being anti-bacterial and leaves a strong grease feeling on your hands. Since this is Armageddon, we need to cut back on evyerthing-this includes spending less on actual health necessities such as soap. I can't wait until I am in the hospital and United Healthcare refuses to cover swine flu.

You are also broke from slaughtering these harmless pigs...I am a big animal lover/vegetarian...soilent green is coming...

Because You Were Told To Be More Engaged At Work

2009-04-28T09:20:00.000-07:00

Because Duane Reade & Your Doctor Are Conspiring Against You

2009-04-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I love doing more than arguing with the pharmacists at Duane Reade and the receptionists at my psychiatrist's office. My doctor wrote three very important prescriptions for me on ANOTHER doctor's pad by mistake. Duane Reade didn't recognize the name, and noted that it is highly illegal to fill prescriptions written by a doctor on another doctor's pad. Can you see my rage building?!

After two hours of back and forth phone conversations where each party said they could not do anything until they heard from the other, I took the remaining pills I had and downed them. The outcome is still yet to be seen. Duane Reade said they would move ahead and fill it in an hour, but I find that highly doubtful as no one speaks English and they can't spell Nicole without an H.

Because Everyone Seems to be Mistaking Me For The Gates Foundation Today

2009-04-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

Seriously, is everyone and their mother competing in some sort of marathon or bike race or soap box derby this spring? I keep getting hit up to sponsor this crap. Just today I've been squeezed for a leukemia marathon, a diabetes bike race and who the hell knows what else. At this point I think people are digging through my wallet in order to fight male pattern baldness and find a cure for swimmer's ear. I value both my friends and charity immensely and I am trying to be generous, but c'mon guys. Can't we try to spread this out a little? I'm starting to get a sneaking suspicion that you're all just pocketing the money yourselves, which only increases my resentment over this whole issue because it means you were more clever than me in coming up with the scheme. So instead of pocketing my entire paycheck in small increments why not just bring me in on the fun. You've got the brains, I've got the looks...

Because You Are Not Nearly This Efficient

2009-04-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

Because You Can Buy Anything On The Internet

2009-04-24T08:58:00.001-07:00

More specifically, you can buy all of the ridiculous things you would have loved to buy as a child but were denied either because they weren't available commercially or because your parents (and even Santa) would never agree. Now you are an adult with a real job and psychological disorders that result in severe regression, so you can buy whatever the hell you want. This website sells cereal marshmallows in bulk without those annoying pieces of cereal. As an adult, one obviously does not have the time to pick through an entire box of lucky charms for the only edible parts, so this service could really come in handy for me. Now I just have to find somewhere to get the hot pink Power Wheels my dad so cruelly refused to buy for me. It may have taken me twenty years but, I am finally going to be the coolest kid on the block.

Because It Was Cheaper Than A Life-Size Portrait

2009-04-24T08:44:00.001-07:00

My dog's initials with a tiara

Because You Totally Agree With This

2009-04-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

I Love It, It's Perfect, Now It Changes

ONE of the best relationships of Deborah Snoonian’s life ended on Dec. 8, 2001. That she was celebrating her birthday did not matter to her heartbreaker.

The love object sat silent, not a chirp as Ms. Snoonian departed.

“I nearly cried the next day when I realized I’d lost it,” said Ms. Snoonian, a magazine editor. “I knew I’d never find its equal.”

Her lost love was a Touchpoint dual-band cellphone, circa 1999, with a flip-down mouthpiece and fax capabilities, that she inadvertently left in a taxi. The model had been discontinued.

“I loved everything about it,” said Ms. Snoonian, whose boyfriend is weary of hearing her rave about its benefits. “It had the best mix of ring tones, everything from ‘The Entertainer’ to ‘Ride of the Valkyries.’ It was the perfect size for my purse, and it had this feature called ‘four-digit dialing,’ which I really liked.”

To judge by marketing hype and iPhone mania, most people live in perpetual anticipation of the next super product: a bigger plasma-screen TV, a sleeker BlackBerry, a more shock-absorbing running shoe. But the truth is, many consumers bemoan the incessant rush of innovation that pushes manufacturers to tamper with products the consumers feel are already perfect.

Their grief is not just nostalgia. Drivers who miss the subcompact Japanese cars of yesteryear, and runners who yearn for the discontinued New Balance 855 running shoe with an anti-pronating roll bar, are victims of “feature creep,” said Jon Linkov, a managing editor at Consumer Reports. This phenomenon, generated by market forces, media hype and twitchy retailers, creates a cycle in which products are constantly improved even if they don’t need to be.

Feature creep, Mr. Linkov said, transformed a typical 1980s BMW from a nimble and relatively small car into the heavy luxury liner of today. “Here was a company that talked about ‘no cup holders,’ ” he said. “You’re supposed to be driving, not drinking in your car. Now they are power-everything, bigger, heavier in every way. They are these luxury tourers filled with leather and wood.”

Frank Beaudoin, founder of the International Honda Civic Wagon Club, a Web site devoted to the vehicle, which has not been produced since the mid-1990s, drives a 1990 Honda wagon, a four-wheel-drive model with 133,000 miles on it. In his job as an inspector for the Chicago Transit Authority, Mr. Beaudoin needs a dependable car that can handle deep snow but does not cost a lot to maintain. “Right now,” he said, speaking on a cellphone during his commute, “it’s purring like a kitten.”

Chris Naughton, a Honda spokesman, said the company has no plans to put the 1990 Civic wagon back into production. He acknowledged that Honda realized a few years ago it might have abandoned its old customer base, those who want small, practical, inexpensive cars. So it introduced the compact $13,850 Fit wagon for the 2007 model year and sold all 50,000 imported into the United States.

Not all jilted consumers eventually get what they want. Many runners have had the experience of going to a sporting goods store wanting to replace their worn-out shoes, only to find their favorite models have been “improved” past all recognition.

David Willey, the editor of Runner’s World magazine, said his publication contributes to feature creep by only reviewing new or improved models of shoes. “There’s this need to continue to evolve and have consumers feel like things are getting better, and that the needle is being moved even if it isn’t,” he said.

New Balance, aware that it was upsetting some longtime customers by continually tinkering with its footwear, recently adopted a “template system” to rein in overly ambitious designers. It allows them to change cosmetics and materials for annual shoe upgrades but not the basic fit and feel, said John Morgan, the company’s group merchandising manager for footwear.

Newest is not always best. For Andre Ribuoli, the director of Pamplemousse Press, a fine-art printing studio in Chelsea, there was never a better inkjet printer than the Iris 3047. Capable of rendering perfect full-color images on sandpaper, fabric or anything else that can bend, the lifeboat-size machine was made in the early 1990s by an Israeli company that is now defunct.

“If I have to be the last man in the world running a 3047,” Mr. Ribuoli said, hands on his hips and gazing lovingly at the beige and black machines one recent afternoon, “I will be the last man running a 3047.”

Some consumers are fighting back less quietly.

When Lancôme discontinued a moisturizer called Nutrix in 2004 to make way for a new version, Nutrix Royal, the company received more than 1,000 phone calls, e-mail messages and letters from bewildered devotees. Like Coca-Cola, which brought back its original formula after a consumer outcry over New Coke, Lancôme bowed to the pressure in January and exhumed the 71-year-old original.

To stave off such consumer backlash, MAC Cosmetics has a section on its Web site called Goodbyes, where it sells limited edition or discontinued products, like Speed Demon Lip Varnish.

It is not always bad business for a company to stick with a successful product even as fashions change.

Since 1993, Casio has been selling the same dependable digital watch, model F30-9, for $7.95, with the same functions — time and date in a black case on a black band, nothing more.

And since 1983, the company has sold 45 million of its G-Shock series of digital watches. While there have been additions to the line over the years, many original designs are still sold. For the 25th anniversary of the G-Shock next year, Casio plans to issue a special version of the first model, the DW-5000, which came only in black. “It’s going to be very true to the original but it will be in white, which is the trend,” said David Johnson, senior general manger for Casio’s timepiece division. “White is wicked hot in watches right now.”

***It is this reason that I want a VW Microbus and my hot pink Razr to never die

Because You Are A Stage Mother

2009-04-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

Attention, pug lovers! Does your pug have what it takes to win?

Valentino The Last Emperor's Most Fashionable Pug Contest

And naturally, you need to see Valentino: The Last Emperor in the theater, because pugs walk down the runway.

Because You Got Laid Off Even After You Took A Bullet

2009-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

What Do You Have To Do To Keep Your Job?

We're going to file this one under WTF! A reporter for the Suburban Journals, a sister publication of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, was shot last year while covering a city council meeting in Kirkwood. After taking a bullet on the job, the paper still felt inclined to lay him off this year.

The reporter, Todd Smith, was the only injured person who survived the shooting last February. Yet just one year later, the paper has decided to cut him for "budgetary reasons." "I got called in Tuesday and told I needed to be at a meeting on Wednesday," Smith told The River Front Times. "I thought I was OK since the Internet and the website are the future, and performance-wise I was doing fine. My family is obviously really not happy that I took a bullet for a business. But I guess in these economic times that isn't enough to save you."

Immediately after taking a bullet in the city hall shooting, Smith—being the dedicated reporter that he is—pulled out his cell phone and a filed a story. That apparently is still not enough to secure your job in this tough economic climate though. As if that weren't enough, yesterday, the Post-Dispatch announced that it was a finalists (but did not win) the Pulitzer Prizes for breaking news coverage of the shooting. Though we can't confirm it, some of that coverage was probably drawn from Smith's on the scene report. Man, if even this dedicated reporter can't keep his job, we wish technophobe Maureen Dowd a lot of luck.

Because They Are Still Drinking Your Milk

2009-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have tried labeling and OCD stacking so I know when it has been touched, but these mutants just continue to drink my milk. Time to take matters into my own hands with: Ipecac

Ipecac (IP-e-kak) is used in the emergency treatment of certain kinds of poisoning. It is used to cause vomiting of the poison.

Only the syrup form of ipecac should be used. A bottle of ipecac labeled as being Ipecac Fluidextract or Ipecac Tincture should not be used. These dosage forms are too strong and may cause serious side effects or death. Only ipecac syrup contains the proper strength of ipecac for treating poisonings.

***Am also considering traveling with it in my purse for anyone in an Ed Hardy T-shirt, white beater, dentures or house music fan.

Because This Is In Iraq

2009-04-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.tressugar.com/3063394

Want to live like a ~~king~~ tyrant . . . with bad taste? Saddam Hussein's former palace has just opened as a hotel and tourist site in Iraq. The palace is adjacent to the ancient city of Babylon and is open to the public for about 85 cents.

Because of International Taxes on Flights

2009-04-22T09:02:00.000-07:00

I was offered a sweet deal from my co-author and bestie here, Erin. A week in St. Marteen at a private villa with a kidney-shaped pool and lounge chairs that make me want to throw this office chair out the window (see earlier post). I have a nice little credit from Continental when they overcharged me for something, so I figured, wow I can afford to leave my house! Wrong!

The flight was only $238, but then those Dutch tacked on a $100 International tax. Now I have to get a second job. I applied online at American Apparel and they asked me to submit three photos. I found this highly degrading, but am thankful that DrivebyBoredom.com had some shots of me in their clothing in various positions for me to submit.

I also spent the morning applying for random jobs on Craig's List, one of which included attending a commerical shoot for a cocktail commerical that required no talking, just drinking--my perfect night out.

I have also applied to watch children. You can sense my desparation...but I don't care what it takes, I will be out on that beach with Erin and we will be frolicking, frolicking, damnit!

Because Your Outfit Got Soaked

2009-04-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

Man jailed for urinating on woman during flight

HONOLULU (AP) — A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty Tuesday to assault charges in federal court in Honolulu.

The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the flight.

U.S. Attorney Edward Kubo Jr. said the woman reported that not only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer emotionally from the incident.

The case was investigated by the FBI.

*** Glad my tax dollars are going to intense investigations!

Because Your Puppy Survived Having Her Ovaries Removed

2009-04-20T19:51:00.001-07:00

Equally excessive tattoo post for my puppy to follow-with video. We are slowly learning how to use a computer...

Because Shitheads Steal

2009-04-20T19:40:00.001-07:00

I have unfortunately been the victim of theft several times over the past few years: unemployed men stealing $20s from the stash of emergency cash I used to keep in my closet, one night stands claiming they have never seen the gold Italien bracelet I forgot on their nightstand, not to mention the loads of dignity and self-respect taken from me for good.

But now things are reaching a new level-the medicine cabinet. I have insomnia -the I can't stay asleep kind and Sunday as I reached for my bottle of Ambien CR to take with me to my parent's house, I noticed there was a vacancy on the middle shelf. Are people that hard up that they have to steal sleep aids now? Or worse, was it taken out of my purse the night before by some frat monkey who wanted to drug me with it? A one month supply costs $60 with insurance and it would be really nice to sleep. If these posts are bitter lately, it's because I haven't been sleeping, the perils of being broke.

Because This Should Be Us

2009-04-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

I Can Has Cheezburger, really? RAGE RAGE RAGE. With the exception of Stuff White People Like, these people can't/don't even write! Calling all agents!!!

Public Provides Giggles; Bloggers Get the Book Deal

After Duncan Birmingham, a comedy screenwriter in Los Angeles, got one too many holiday cards featuring miserable-looking pets wearing fake reindeer antlers, he realized the photos were great material for a blog.

Doree Shafrir, right, and Jessica Grose created the book “Love, Mom,” from a blog that collected humorous e-mail messages between women and their adult children. Tracking down the owners of user-submitted materials to obtain publishing rights became a nightmarish task.

Mr. Birmingham started Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves in early January, uploaded the first entry and asked readers to contribute. Within days, visitors were supplying him with snapshots of bulldogs in bunny costumes and cats wearing wigs. The blogosphere noticed — and so did the publishing world. Within a week, he was contacted by editors and literary agents. By the second month, he said, he had sold a book based on the photos to Three Rivers Press, an imprint at Crown Publishing Group, for “enough money to buy a Lincoln Town Car” — with change left over.

Not bad for an unpublished novelist who is allergic to animals and admits that he is “terrible with computers.”

Of course, it’s not unusual for blogs to form the basis of books. For example, Christian Lander, author of the humor blog Stuff White People Like, wrote scores of blog entries and then reworked them into a popular 2008 book of the same name.

But the latest frenzy is over books that take the lazy, Tom Sawyer approach to authorship. The creators come up with a goofy or witty idea, put it up on a simple platform like Twitter and Tumblr, and wait for contributors to provide all of the content. The authors put their energy into publicizing the sites and compiling the best material.

Agents and publishing houses can’t get seem to get enough of these quickie humor books, which sell for $10 to $15 in gift shops and hip clothing stores like Urban Outfitters as well as traditional bookstores. At least eight books created from user-generated content are due out this year, including “Love, Mom,” a just-published collection of embarrassing or funny electronic exchanges between mothers and their children.

“Just about every house in town is paying attention,” said Patrick Mulligan, a senior editor at Gotham Books who handled a 2008 book of cat photos with bizarre captions called “I Can Has Cheezburger?”

....

Because NYC Unemployment Is Less Than Everywhere Else

2009-04-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

For New York’s Newly Jobless, $430 Doesn’t Go Far

Lose your job in Boston, Pittsburgh, Seattle or Trenton and you could collect $544 or more per week in unemployment benefits. But get laid off in New York City, as almost 200,000 workers have in the past year, and the most you can collect is $430 a week.

Despite its high cost of living, New York pays less to its unemployed than about two dozen other states, including all of its neighbors. New York’s benefits have not been raised by lawmakers in Albany in more than a decade, making it particularly difficult for jobless residents of the metropolitan area to pay for food, rent and health insurance.

Michael Sklar, 51, said he had resorted to asking his parents for financial help after several months of trying to support his family of three on the unemployment pay he collects from New York State. The federal unemployment insurance system was designed to temporarily replace about half of a laid-off worker’s lost income, but Mr. Sklar’s benefits amount to just one-fifth of what he said he had earned as a senior systems analyst for Sony Music Entertainment in Manhattan before he was dismissed in late August.

Most of his unemployment pay goes toward the $1,300 a month he pays to maintain the health insurance his family had obtained through Sony. To cover the rest of the family’s expenses, including college tuition for his son, Mr. Sklar has been using his severance pay and savings, he said. He and his wife have cut out frills like movies and eating out. They occasionally attend free cooking classes at a Mexican restaurant in Hackensack, N.J., for the meals that come with them.
Mr. Sklar, who lives in Fort Lee, N.J., said that he had considered filing for bankruptcy but avoided doing so by borrowing from his parents, who are in their 80s.

“I shouldn’t have to turn to my parents, as a 51-year-old man, and ask for money,” he said.
Supporting a family on unemployment benefits can be a challenge anywhere in the country, even in Massachusetts, where the unemployed can collect more than $650 a week, the most in the nation. But the situation has become more acute in New York because its state unemployment insurance system does not adjust the level of benefits annually to account for inflation, as its neighboring states do.

.....
Until state lawmakers agree to change the system, jobless New Yorkers will be left with benefits that would not cover the average rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan, still averaging nearly $2,000 a month. In Massachusetts, the maximum weekly benefit, excluding add-ons for dependents, is $653. It is $609 in New Jersey, $544 in Connecticut and $583 in Pennsylvania. Washington State’s $566 benefit will rise to $611 in May.

More than a week’s benefits are eaten up each month by the $514 premium she pays to maintain the health insurance she had through Viacom, which owns MTV, Ms. Weissman said.
“I’m cutting down on luxuries I used to enjoy, such as taking the subway,” she said.
“I don’t go out as much as I used to, and if I do, I don’t drink as much. I’ll look for any happy hour I can find.”

Plus, she said, she has found that “friends are more likely to buy you a drink when you are out of work.”

Because You Have Some Serious Rage Attacks

2009-04-19T09:37:00.001-07:00

Because You Are A Masochist When You Worry

2009-04-17T07:27:00.001-07:00

After seven years and dropping my beloved off at the hospital this morning for her surgery (tears unstoppable at the hand-off), I have decided to add to my tattoo collection. Because people with no skills to manage stress love to scar themselves. Possibly even with one tonight--if I can find someone competent--and judging by my mishandled coffee this morning, that will be a miracle. Naturally, I have already secured someone abroad to do a piece next month, because Europeans actually do what they say they are going to do. They also know how to pour milk into a cup of coffee. Shocking, isn't it?

Obviously this picture is ironic.

Because You're Not Willing To Sacrifice A Limb...Yet

2009-04-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

Because Your Baby Is Getting Surgery Tomorrow

2009-04-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

Because You Don't Live in Canada or Europe or Any Civilized Nation

2009-04-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

As Pills Treat Cancer, Insurance Lags Behind

Chuck Stauffer’s insurance covered the surgery to remove his brain tumor. It covered his brain scans. And it would have paid fully for tens of thousands of dollars of intravenous chemotherapy at a doctor’s office or hospital.

But his insurance covered hardly any of the cost of the cancer pills the doctor prescribed for him to take at home. Mr. Stauffer, a 62-year-old Oregon farmer, had to pay $5,500 for the first 42-day supply of the drug, Temodar, and $1,700 a month after that.

“Because it was a pill,” he said, “I had to pay — not the insurance.”

Pills and capsules are the new wave in cancer treatment, expected to account for 25 percent of all cancer medicines in a few years, up from less than 10 percent now.

The oral drugs can free patients from frequent trips to a clinic to be hooked to an intravenous line for hours. Fewer visits might save the health system money as well as time. And the pills are a step toward making cancer a manageable chronic condition, like diabetes.

But for many patients, exchanging an I.V. bag for a pill is a lopsided trade because the economics and practice of cancer medicine have not caught up with the convenience of oral drugs.

Because You Would Have Looked Stupid Otherwise

2009-04-16T09:41:00.000-07:00

Because You Gave Money To Obese Children

2009-04-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Now there are not many people I adore more in this world more than my friend Kevin. Besides being very handsome (and single-ladies?), he is also an incredible runner and athlete, so last year when he was training for the New York City Marathon, it was inconceivable for me NOT to donate towards his slot. It was only after I had debited my $40 did I realize that the money went to obese children in New York City.

I am a very charitable person. I have dated and sheltered many unemployed and (in some form) disabled men throughout my short time on this earth, so giving is not the problem. Have you ever seen an obese child in New York City? No, you have not. And if you did, why would these children need more money? For McDonald's, after-school snacks? Not on my dime! Last I heard exercising in the park was free! I played kickball in a concrete court. Now you may say, well it's not the kid's fault, it's the parents. I completely agree and being that the money can not go directly to someone under 18, that only proves my point on this scam.

I donated this money last year obviously, but now since it's tax time I also learned the fabulous news that I did not donate enough money for it to be tax-deductable. Isn't that fabulous? Next year I plan to be at the marathon with Slim Fast bars...

Because You Would Rather Be Evicted, Starve and Move Back In With Dad Than Do This

2009-04-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Dogged Pursuit: Professionals Find New Livelihood Selling Frankfurters

BANDERA, Texas -- In hard times, some small-town Americans are turning to a new livelihood with relish.

Among them are Andrea and Ben Guajardo. They began selling hot dogs from a pushcart on Main Street in November.

Ms. Guajardo is a grant administrator for a health-care system. Her husband, Ben, is a pipeline operator. Theirs is the first hot-dog stand in Bandera, pop. 957, that anybody here can remember.

"It's a backup plan," says Ms. Guajardo, a mother of four. "No one knows what's going to happen with the economy, and I don't want to have to scrounge for a minimum-wage job."
(Sarah E. Needleman, WSJ)

So she wants to sell hot dogs to migrant workers over getting a minimum wage job? Shit, I'd rather work at McDonalds. At least you get to be in the air conditioning and none of your friends will see you and laugh(because they sure don't eat that crap). I'd probably even take $5 an hour to clean toilets before I would be seen selling hot dogs on the street. I intend to get through this economic tragedy with a tiny bit of dignity. This cart business is absolutely mortifying!

Because Your Dog Has a Vagina

2009-04-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I love more in this world than my puppy. The gorgeous Lil Bubba has just turned six months old and it is time for her to get spayed. Naturally, as an upper east side mother, my dog will go through the procedure at a luxury hospital on Long Island with 24 hour care, the price of which will be close to one month's rent.

But I have to do this. The charismatic LB is a pure bred and the hottest shit at the dog park with her pink cashmere sweater (and she knows it). Five seconds into the dog park and the mutts were pouncing on her, trying to rape her from behind. Her mother does not want LB to have to deal with these mutants, because she already knows how bad it is.

After the heinous act is over, if they do call you again, they don't have jobs, don't bathe or they steal from your cookie jar. If LB was a man, I would have no problem allowing her to run around impregnating people. Perhaps I would get some kind of perverse pleasure out of spoiling the little princesses --especially those owned by men with ugly girlfriends.

Besides being broke from removing ovaries, costs are exponentially high for my drug/alcohol consumption this week leading up to the procedure and following her recovery. The thought of my diva in a cage with a cone on her neck is just too much to bear...the dive bars of downtown Manhattan have been warned, and I demand recession prices.

Because Now I Have To Go To Home Depot To Buy Supplies For The Zombie Apocolypse

2009-04-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

The other day I came across this news article: Gentleman in New Orleans Loses Chunk of Arm in Possible Zombie Attack. According to the report, a man was attacked in his garden by a stranger.

Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti's flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground. The man then got on top of Lancellotti and began choking him, the report said.

Then, the weird attacker "CHEWED AND SWALLOWED" the flesh that he had bitten. That, folks, is clearly a zombie. If you're one of the people who I have not told a thousand times already, you should know that I have been having recurring zombie dreams for years now. I have never been able to come up with an explanation for these dreams as I am not an avid zombie movie watcher and zombies don't seem to be a common symbolic dream image. Seeing this news article, I now believe that these dreams were prophetic and have been warning me of approaching doom. Now, you could just pass this off as me being crazy, EXCEPT I'm not the only person who feels this way.

SEE! Woody Harrelson is on the alert for zombies too. And Woody would never say anything crazy. Based on this conclusive evidence it is time to start preparations. I'm going to need a chainsaw, barbed wire, lumber, reinforcements for the door and windows, a propane stove and other survival supples (can one even get all of this at Home Depot? I just sort of have this idea in my head that you can get anything at Home Depot, but I certainly wouldn't know because a zombie attack is pretty much the only thing that would ever bring me to do home improvement). I will probably be constrained by cost and so will not be able to put together a bad ass, Will Smith in I Am Legend kind of set up. After everyone's dead I can scavenge, of course.

There's just one problem with living through these apocolyptic scenarios- the only other survivors will be those backwoods, redneck, survivalist freaks who have stored up years of canned goods and an arsenal of assault weapons in their basement because they're sure that our dark-skinned and oddly-named president is about to lead the muslim hordes accross this great land. Living out the rest of my days surrounded by only these types is probably a fate far, far worse than having my brains eaten. So, considering this, maybe my zombie preparations should become more focused on procuring cyanide pills or something. Can anyone help?

Because You Are An American And These Are Your Right

2009-04-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Make sure you bring them with you to Europe, especially France...they LOVE that there.

Because Your Amazing Friend Is Getting Married

2009-04-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

And you are so incredibly happy for her...

Because One Of Them HAS To Give You A French Visa

2009-04-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

Phoenix
Terminal 5
New York, NY
Fri, Jun 19, 2009 07:30 PM

Because I'm Going to Fucking Impress You...Or Walk All Over You

2009-04-11T16:29:00.001-07:00

Because The Office Mutants Drink All Your Milk

2009-04-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

My boss has rented out half the office to a start-up software comany that operates like a sweatshop-even more so than my office. However, we are still allowed to use the college-size fridge on their side.

They brought in a coffee maker, yet there is no milk in the fridge but my half gallon of soy milk since I am too poor to afford buying lunch/breakfast. I find it odd that 15 people drink black coffee and how when I go to have my pathetic on-sale cereal, the carton is empty. It costs more than $5 for one light Silk half gallon. That is one fourth of my weekly discretional income. Rage, Klonopin, water, swallow.

Because The Long Island Rail Road Thinks It's Amtrak

2009-04-11T15:18:00.001-07:00

If you're from Long Island like me, I am sure you have dozens of horror stories about the Long Island Rail Road. It is a complete disgrace. From the time they mysteriously "lost" my bag of interview clothes between two stops to the time they pulled the train over and called an ambulence when I asked for a glass of water during a panic attack (they had none), it has continuously been a herpe on my lip in going to see my wonderful family.

The mental prep leading up to going down those steps at Penn Station is never enough-you are going to want to kill someone before the ride is over. This Thursday night was no exception.

After a half hour taxi ride through midtown traffic, the masses of humanity trying to sell Ranger tickets outside MSG and the numerous people kicking Lil Bubba in her carrying case, I had a flair of hope as there was only one person in front of me at the ticket kiosk. Naturally, they did not know how to use the machine nor did they speak English. After 10 minutes they finally gave up, only for me to use the machine at lightening speed to find it did not accept credit cards (remember, cash is a luxury).

The LIRR, being that it is operated by the MTA, has also begun (well, always has I suppose) charging exhuberant amounts of money for a one-hour roundtrip ticket. Every reasonable hour is also peak, so double that price. My ticket cost me more than $24 and I was returning on a weekend day.

There is also nothing edible in Penn Station, so you charge a $3 piece of pizza that tastes like vomit and $2 water (you will need this soon, will explain) and you run with the rest of the accent-embedded sheep to the track board where you stare at a blank spot until three minutes before the train leaves and then you run with the mass with a 15 lb dog in your left arm, using the shrieking baby as a weapon to get through.

Pushing...sweating...swearing...

The 12-car trains have now been reduced to eight for natrually, our improvement. You find a window seat and immediately an obese man speaking Arabic on a handless cell phone sits next to you, forcing your dog to scream against your lap and you to laugh manically to yourself. A baby starts screaming, the bathroom is out of order and two Jewish women in front of you talk about inheriting or marrying rich to make it "in this city." You forget all your previous therapy and your pupils begin to dilate with rage.

Did I mention there are guidos drinking Miller Lites out of CANS? Forget about your tote bag filled with intelligent activities you have been meaning to do...

You find the water, swallow a handful of klonopins and try to blast the idiots out with your iPod. This is never loud enough and eventually you tire yourself out and nod out against the window. Waking up with horrendouse neck pain, you then have to somehow pull yourself together, because your dad is picking you up. He is very excited to see you and of course, you are in a horrible mood. Also, your train has come in on time, which means 10 minutes late.

This may sound like any commute, but at least Amtrak (for not much more $ to Philadelphia) has leg room, an outlet and a fucking bar car. Also, it does not hit people, have Al Roker tell you to watch "the gap" or make your back convulse from the duct-taped seats.

Because You Have Absolutely Zero Consistency or Drive

2009-04-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a little slow around here because your favorite bloggers have been pretty busy interviewing for jobs and downing benzodiazepines. We will be back at it shortly, though. I know you were getting worried.

Because No Matter How Hard You Try Someone is Always Going to Show You Up

2009-04-08T20:03:00.001-07:00

I should probably find this incredibly inspiring, but instead it just makes me want to give up.

Btw- Canadians are always just so fucking cheery, aren't they?

Because After This You Will Never Get A Job Again In Your Life

2009-04-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Also, you can't read.

Lazy-eye at the end there, though-he's going places. Holler at me, boy.

Because This Is Illegal

2009-04-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Father pleads no contest in daughter selling

SALINAS, Calif. (AP) — A California man accused of selling his 14-year-old daughter into marriage for $16,000, beer and meat has pleaded no contest to felony child endangerment.

Marcelino de Jesus Martinez had pleaded not guilty in February to procuring a child for lewd acts, aiding and abetting statutory rape and child endangerment. If convicted of those charges he faced 10 years in prison.

Monday's plea on the endangerment charge means the 36-year-old man will be sentenced May 7 to up to a year in jail followed by deportation.

Prosecutors say Martinez and the family of Margarito de Jesus Galindo negotiated a marriage and dowry contract. Galindo and the girl allegedly lived together for week.

Martinez went to police to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made.

Because You're Too Lazy to Hold Your Mobile

2009-04-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

Because Using a Camel Carcass as an Apartment is Not Really An Option For You

2009-04-08T06:55:00.000-07:00

Because, Through It All, You Have Somehow Managed to Retain a Sliver of Dignity, Morality and Propriety

2009-04-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

And therefore realize that it is not ok to embarrass yourself and exploit your children in your quest for fame and cold, hard cash. My grandmother had 14 kids too, but at least she tried to raise them in the church and keep them from being entirely damaged and crazy. Sure, the last family gathering involved extended conversations about how we tailgate funerals, so I don't know if she was absolutely successful. However, I DO know that she never made a single penny off those bastards.

Because You Want to Forget How Broke You Are

2009-04-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

Brain Researchers Open Door to Editing Memory

Suppose scientists could erase certain memories by tinkering with a single substance in the brain. Could make you forget a chronic fear, a traumatic loss, even a bad habit.

For all that scientists have studied it, the brain remains the most complex and mysterious human organ — and, now, the focus of billions of dollars’ worth of research to penetrate its secrets.

This is the first article in a series that will look in depth at some of the insights these projects are producing.

Research by Dr. Todd C. Sacktor, above, and André A. Fenton has demonstrated a chemical’s effect on memory with potential implications for treatment of trauma, addiction and other conditions.

Researchers in Brooklyn have recently accomplished comparable feats, with a single dose of an experimental drug delivered to areas of the brain critical for holding specific types of memory, like emotional associations, spatial knowledge or motor skills.

The drug blocks the activity of a substance that the brain apparently needs to retain much of its learned information. And if enhanced, the substance could help ward off dementias and other memory problems.

So far, the research has been done only on animals. But scientists say this memory system is likely to work almost identically in people.

Oh the things I would LOVE to forget...

Because Idiots Keep Coming Into the Office Sick

2009-04-07T06:53:00.000-07:00

Because The World Is Starting to Look Like a Giant Monopoly Board

2009-04-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Could things really have gotten this bad? Or are these towns just really big fans of board games? Is that a giant robot attacking the city on the picture of the new currency? That would be pretty awesome.

Because People Are Fucking Incompetent

2009-04-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

Because Being Broke is an Endless, Cyclical Trap That You Will Never Escape From

2009-04-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Scientists have found that the stress of poverty leads to brain damage...which leads to us being incapable of securing a promotion, creating artistic masterpieces or performing 1st grade level math. This in turn leads to more poverty and hence, more stress and more brain damage, drawing us into an endless, miserable cycle that we have no chance of escaping until we die and pass our debts on to our children. It's a beautiful world, people.

Because Duane Reade Has Inescapable Subliminal Advertising During Holidays

2009-04-06T09:31:00.001-07:00

I don't even eat this shit!

Because You Think This is Somehow Acceptable

2009-04-06T09:23:00.001-07:00

...it's not.

Because You Moved to New Jersey

2009-04-06T08:14:00.001-07:00

If you really want to know how I became broke, look no farther than across Battery Park. The armpit of America, the Guido-capital, the wasteland of everything that is wrong with humanity--New Jersey.

This may be my only magnum opus, and certainly my only truly personal one...

As a born-New Yorker, the decision to move to Jersey City should not have ever been a thought. And I fully contend that it wasn't, but rather blinded by manipulation and a series of unfortunate events. Hey, I work in journalism, want a large space (for what, I don't know-dinner parties? I don't cook.) and boyfriend, this commuting back and forth to Kearney (North Jersey) is just too tiring. I know, let me get my own place out in NJ.

My mother was horrified. My father speechless. My sister disgusted. My brother, "Do they have welding shops in NJ?" My friends gone. I chose to move out of Manhattan's East Village into New Jersey for an unemployed, 30 year-old who's mother barked at dogs and listened to hair metal--in a serious fashion.

Suddenly, that commute to Kearney stopped and things started appearing in my medicine cabinet. ..Hmmm....Wait, I know-why don't we just move in together? I can save on half the rent and we can be together every day! Wouldn't that be fabulous?! Of course, it would! Multiple !!!s

But wait...who is going to pay for the double groceries, the furniture and the BRITA water replacement filler every fucking month when only one of us is employed?

Oh sure, I have a credit card. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.

I spent two years of my life on a leather IKEA couch I purchased for $600, watching a TV I bought for $500, drinking copious amounts of numbing alcohol (inconceivable amount) and going more than $5,000 into credit card debt (with another $5,000 I would have to report as fraudulent activity). Forget about what I paid in cash...Moving to NJ and supporting a small child was worse than living in a penthouse in Manhattan. And did I mention that it was New Jersey?

This may seem a tad personal and I hate that, so don't get used to it, but my Mastercard statement came today and I probably should be feministic for a moment and tell women never to think for anyone reason they should support a man--or move to NJ. I'm not bitter about it, just broke.

Because You Majored in Print Journalism at NYU

2009-04-05T14:09:00.001-07:00

And three years later, it ceases to be profitable...

Oh, but those collections/loan agencies keep sending raised statements...and will continue to do so for the next seven years...

You had to be born a writer, didn't you?!

Because Your Office Chair is Disintegrating

2009-04-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

This is a recession, people. Did you know that? It is Armageddon out there. People are flying out of windows for crumbs of bread and beating each other in the streets for shelter.

Actually they aren't, unless you are in my weekly staff meeting.

As an employee I just ask for some basic amenities: a lunch break, a working soap dispenser in the bathroom, a coffee maker and just maybe, a window shade that lowers more than a quarter of an inch.

Since I spend more than eight hours a day developing chair ass, it would also be nice to have a proper office chair. One that does not have holes in the arms, strange grease stains on the seat or leave your lumbar susceptible to all sorts of fun things like muscle spasms and pinched nerves.

But we are in a recession remember. If you don't like it, you can stand, because you should be happy you have a job that gives constant paycuts and furloughs. So you go into the "break room" filled with more damaged chairs, a UV-leaking microwave and a college fridge, and you take four generic non-brand Ibprofin that you secretly believe to be chalk and hope that this time the sulfate kicks in.

Naturally, it doesn't and you end up walking around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame from 9-5 Monday to Friday until you wake up one morning to find that walking is no longer an option.

Doctor 1 ($20 co-pay, $10 medication): "Take these to decrease the enormous amount of swelling in your back and come back if it doesn't work."

Return Visit ($20 co-pay): "It did not work".

Back Specialist ($40 co-pay, $40 co-pay x-ray, $40 co-pay MRI for back and neck): "I see the two herniated discs from when you played soccer, but now I also see a pinched nerve and extreme stress in your lower back. You must attend physical therapy for six weeks, two times/week ($20/visit, lost time at work), and get a new ergonomic chair. Here is a note".

In the course of those six weeks at physical therapy, you work like Christopher Reeve to feel 24 years old again and re-learn how to walk. Meanwhile, two other people in the office are defeated by the chair: one with a neck spasm, another with a lower back injury.

As you and your co-workers sit in the next staff meeting with heating pads and ice packs and Vicodin, with hundreds of dollars of new debt from medical care, you ask your boss if you can get a new chair. "We are in a recession. I will email you a picture of how to sit up straight."

Because You Are OCD

2009-04-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, my favorite daily activity was playing secretary and running a scheming library service for my sister. I would charge her to take books out of my collection and mark them with a stamp, all while answering the house phone and making lists of the Barbies I owned and the people I hated.

Since then I have remained a diligent list-maker and nothing infuriates someone with OCD more than not being able to cross off each item on the list. Enter CRUMBS, the cupcake chain that screamed at me for bringing my poor, innocent, puppy into the store, and charges $4 a cupcake.

OCD has forced me (and I mean FORCED) to try every cupcake available and made me delusional enough to think that I can burn them off walking the three blocks back home (one time I even ran home in an attempt to accomplish this feat). At $4/cupcake, 2-3 times a week this can add up when you're broke. One would think that buying the small sample pack would be a good choice, but then one would be an idiot, because who wants a bite-size cupcake? Let us women have at least some form of a real orgasm.

If you don't believe me, look at this extensive list.

And the bastards keep adding on to it. Even some idiot from Howard Stern got his own cupcake. Three down, infinity to go, massive cellulite to gain, more money spent on cupcakes to make self feel better about weight gain from said cupcakes. It's the never ending cycle of poverty.

Because NYC is Like the Wicked Witch of the West

2009-04-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

Yes. Just bear with me a moment on this one.

I recently seem to have survived some sort of massive ritual cleansing of the employment rolls here at my workplace. As a result of this little bit of "reorganization" I have new hours and a new supervisor who was very clear about the importance of punctuality now that I am like his only employee. Now, I am generally on time for work with the exception of that one time I missed my alarm and showed up two hours late and no one noticed. I guess I'm the one that didn't get fired because no one actually knows I'm even here. However, I wanted to be particularly sure that I was punctual today as it would be my first day working under the new boss and we all know that crap about first impressions.

Well it's raining a little bit, which is not a highly unusual phenomenon for April, but somehow this minor meteorological phenomenon seems to have brought the city to a grinding halt. Can some please explain to me how the weather causes all of the trains to be delayed? They are UNDERGROUND, for God's sake. It should be of absolutely zero relevance to the subway system that there may be rain, hail or a plague of locusts above ground. And yet, without fail, the tiniest bit of water seems to cause the trains to inch along the rails in an agonizing display of incompetence.

Then there's all you people! Why on earth should I have to stand in a line to exit the subway station? Just walk up the stairs like you do every goddamn day. It's a little bit of rain; it won't kill you. I sound like someone's mother, but I just can't bring myself to care. And please, please wait until you have completely exited the station before opening your entirely unnecessary golf-sized umbrella so that you don't take out my eye with it. Once you get out of there, you're clearly still going to block the entire sidewalk with it as you shuffle along, refusing to let me pass. Two seconds ago you were horrified at the thought of getting wet, now you're casually strolling through the rain like it's a nice day at the park. I am LATE for my JOB - a job that I need in order to pay my bills.

If I get fired I'm totally suing the MTA and anyone and everyone who got off the 6 train at 59th street this morning at 9:00. You've been warned.

Because You're Sheep...Bottle-Blonde, Unemployed Sheep

2009-04-02T16:21:00.000-07:00

So did you hear? Top Shop opened here today. Yes! Here! In New York! There was a big party for the grand opening and everyone stood in a really huge line so that they could get there first and make all their friends super jealous.

It's a Thursday.

WHY AREN'T YOU PEOPLE AT WORK??? If you don't actually have jobs then why the hell are you shopping? Didn't Visa reduce your credit limit to like twenty bucks same as they did to everyone else in America, or is daddy still paying the bill? Ohhhh, I see. You're all waiting in line to see Kate Moss. Now it all makes sense. Who wouldn't want to stand on pavement for hours to catch a small glimpse of the deity that compelled them to worship at the altar of their toilet bowl after every single meal since they were thirteen? C'mon, this is almost as ridiculous as that riot that happened when everyone thought somebody was trying to blow up Tyra at the Next Top Model auditions. Girl in the purple! DO NOT even think about making any bomb threats. I can see the evil under your eerily orange skin. Keep it together; it's not like she's Bono or something...

Did you know that 25% of young women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize? That is one fact on this blog that I did not, in fact, make up off the top of my head. One quarter of us!! Something is seriously fucking wrong here! Ladies, put down the overpriced cotton-poly that's just going to get those little pill things on it after two washes anyway and pick up a book or the latest issue of The Economist and lets get to work on cleansing the shame of all this and possibly not dragging the country further into consumer debt crisis or whatever the hell is going on out there (What? You didn't think I ACTUALLY read The Economist?). I'm especially talking to you in the purple. It looks like you could use a few days out of the sun and under the pale fluorescent lights of the local, hobo filled library. Do it for Hillary. Do it for Rhianna. Do it for me!

Because You Believe in Bono More Than God

2009-04-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw U2 under the Brooklyn Bridge? An intern at Rolling Stone at the time, I took my building ID and walked into the press area like I was the shit (with a film camera around my neck). As the gates opened, I ran. Boy, did I run. With two herniated discs, that would be near impossible now, but it was like running to the temple of Buddha. You can even hear me screaming on the live CD. At least that's what I tell myself. Also, The Edge sweat on me.

I once slept with someone with no top or bottom teeth, because if I closed my eyes he sounded like Bono, just a poor Irish boy off the boat from Dublin. I probably even called him Bono in bed once in hopes that his ED would diminish. It didn't.

So U2 and the messiah himself, Bono, are on tour now. It is bad enough they are making New Yorkers go on a bus to the wasteland that is New Jersey to stand in the baking summer heat at Giant's Stadium where the over-priced beer gets cut off at "half time." But to make the only acceptable seating $250?! My co-author and I contemplated this before remembering we have rent and utility bills to pay. We should have taken it though, as according to the NY Times those tickets are now going for $10,000 as scalpers bought them in bulk (some artists even buy them themselves and sell them at high rates, though I refuse to believe Bono Allah would do such a thing).

Read it for yourself:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/arts/music/01tickets.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=online%20ticket%20sales&st=cse

Why does my savior Bono need this kind of money? He must certainly have a sunglasses sponsorship by now and what about all those RED products I buy? And who in their right mind would travel to NJ (unless you live in NJ...God...or Bono bless your soul) for last row seating?

This is a recession, goddamnit! You know you're broke when God even screws you...

Because It Is Unsafe to Use the Library

2009-04-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

Downturn Puts New Stresses on Libraries

By SUSAN SAULNY and KAREN ANN CULLOTTA

Published: April 1, 2009

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, Ill. — The public library here had just closed its doors one evening in December when two homeless men who had been using the stacks as shelter from the cold got into a fight on the outside steps.

What began as bickering took a violent turn when one of the men pulled out a knife and stabbed the other six times, leaving him bleeding beside the book drop.

Like libraries across the country, Arlington Heights Memorial had strived to keep pace with the changing times, ensuring its relevance in the digital age by becoming something of an indoor town square, and emphasizing that its money-saving services catered to the community’s needs.

These days, however, community need reaches far beyond reference help — and in many libraries, it is turning a normally tranquil place into an emotional and stressful hotbed.

As the national economic crisis has deepened and social services have become casualties of budget cuts, libraries have come to fill a void for more people, particularly job-seekers and those who have fallen on hard times. Libraries across the country are seeing double-digit increases in patronage, often from 10 percent to 30 percent, over previous years.

But in some cities, this new popularity — some would call it overtaxing — is pushing libraries in directions not seen before, with librarians dealing with stresses that go far beyond overdue fines and misshelved books. Many say they feel ill-equipped for the newfound demands of the job, the result of working with anxious and often depressed patrons who say they have nowhere else to go.

The stresses have become so significant here that a therapist will soon be counseling library employees.

“I guess I’m not really used to people with tears in their eyes,” said Rosalie Bork, a reference librarian in Arlington Heights, a well-to-do suburb of Chicago. “It has been unexpectedly stressful. We feel so anxious to help these people, and it’s been so emotional for them.”

Urban ills like homelessness have affected libraries in many cities for years, but librarians here and elsewhere say they are seeing new challenges. They find people asleep more often at cubicles. Patrons who cannot read or write ask for help filling out job applications. Some people sit at computers trying to use the Internet, even though they have no idea what the Internet is.

“A lot of people who would not normally be here are coming in to use the computers,” said Cynthia Jones, a regional branch manager in St. Louis.

“Adults complain a lot about kids just playing games and you know, ‘I need to do a résumé, or ‘I need to write, I need some help,’ ” Ms. Jones said. “There’s a bit of frustration.”

Ms. Jones instructed her staff to tread carefully. “You don’t want to upset people,” she said. “You don’t know what might set somebody off.”

ETC.....The morale of the story is that poor people must now get their literature from subway ads, after you hop the turnstile of course because the MTA is running a ponzi scheme.

Because You Have to Buy Your Own IPod

2009-04-02T11:23:00.000-07:00

Obamas Give Queen Elizabeth an iPod

Published: April 1, 2009

LONDON — Finally, an answer to the question consuming protocol watchers and tabloid reporters here: What did the Obamas give Queen Elizabeth II on Wednesday when they arrived at Buckingham Palace?

Pool photo by John Stillwell

President Obama and his wife, Michelle, met Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip in London on Wednesday.

An iPod.

An Obama aide reported the queen was given an iPod loaded with video and photos of her 2007 trip to the United States, as well as songs and accessories. She also received a rare songbook signed by the composer Richard Rodgers.

The gift issue had come up after Prime Minister Gordon Brown visited the White House last month. Mr. Brown gave Mr. Obama a pen holder carved from the timber of an anti-slave ship, receiving in return a DVD box set of American movies, igniting a torrent of criticism in the British press.

According to news reports here, the queen gave the Obamas a silver-framed signed photograph — a gift she gives to all visiting dignitaries.

There was no word on whether the songbook included the “Sound of Music” classic, “My Favorite Things.”

But one thing is certain: that iPod better have some good songs, because if past is prologue, the British papers will be examining this gift for a while.

Because Hair Colorists and Stylists are NOT the Same Thing

2009-04-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

In an effort to look stylish, stay current, advance professionally (ha) and perhaps even get a free dinner out of some pathetic man who later turns out to be a stalker, one has to keep their hair well-maintained. This includes almost monthly trips to overly-priced English-owned salons where you have to pay one person more than a $100 to trim your hair and then another almost $150 to take away the beginnings of white hair that come with financial ruin. Why these people can't do both, I have no idea. Now, I don't care how broke I am, this is a necessity to me and apprently me alone, since no one else seems to notice or give a damn the day after. It is all about spending massive amounts of money to retain normalcy. Well, why don't you just go to Headcutters or Lemon Tree, you ask? Because I prefer my hairdress, stylist, colorist, savor, to have more than one eye and not smell like KFC.

Now you have your haircut, but what about when it rains? Do you really want to look like this? Disclosure: That is not me. I would rather be broke than have a mane like that. So you go to the counter and give your prescription that your stylist gave you which requires necessities like serum treatment, mango extract, guano and whatever else they brainwash you into thinking $30 per bottle is a good idea---and this is for a 5 oz bottle. Also, since when do colorists and hair cutters have assistants? They greet you and sit you down in the chair and expect $10 in cash? Outlandish! If you get both color and cut done in one day that is FIVE tips that have to be laid out-colorist, assistant, stylist, assistant and the poor hair washer who gets whatever lint is left in your pocket.

If only a hat or wig fit into my budget...

Because You're NOT This Guy

2009-03-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

Hey man, I'm just giving him some exposure so settle down. It's not like I went on Leno and told people I bowl like a retard or something really stupid like that.

Because You're an Alcoholic

2009-03-31T11:31:00.001-07:00

It was no big deal when you were 19. At that point, two $8 V&Ts at some sticky West Village nightclub would be enough to have you draped across the bar showing off your cute new panties to Mr. Merlin Bronques. Even after sharing a cab home to make sure your comrades didn't pass out on the sidewalk somewhere, an entire night out could be accomplished for under $30. Some of us probably also wore Wet Seal clothes back then, so it's not like wardrobe expenses were particularly burdensome.

But the years go by and all those cups of the white whiskey tone up your liver even faster than the juice did A-Rod (wait, we do sports metaphors around here now? Things ARE getting rough). What used to be $20 benders have now morphed into unmanageable $100 affairs and anyone without an extremely solid line of credit is forced to scrounge for "recession specials" at the International Bar. To be quite frank, bumming charity whiskey shots off of a 40 year-old still nursing fantasies of emo-band stardom or the girl who dies her hair Manic Panic green is just about the lowest of the low. It's like 1998 or something up in here.

So finally the shame forces you home to drink cases of domestics bought at Rite-Aid and the only upside is that there's no room left in the refrigerator for food, so no need for a gym membership anymore. Beer is sort of like food, right? Carbs, iron, B vitamins? I'm starting to get the feeling this recession is going to be pretty hard on my physical health.

Because of Designer Lines at Target

2009-03-18T12:16:00.001-07:00

Now, I may be broke, but that doesn't mean that I reduce myself to shopping at discount stores or heaven forbid, The Salvation Army. However, when Target (pronounced with a French accent) announced that Thakoon and Alexander McQueen would be contributing lines to the mass retailer, suddenly the red bull's eye became more must-have than those Tori Burch sandals in Bloomingdale's.

After going to a Long Island Target at 8 am for Thakoon and racing online for McQueen, I really don't have to ask myself why I am broke after purchasing these in a mad frenzy. Yes, they are hot pink zebra-striped spandex.

Because You Don't Live in France

2009-03-18T12:03:00.001-07:00

And therefore cannot use such highly strategic methods of negotiation:

Because Durex Condoms Break

2009-03-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

As a single, young(ish), broke, yet safe woman in Manhattan, it can become quite pricey to purchase condoms on a regular basis to protect yourself from the unwashed, equally unemployed men of New York...especially after your $40 copay per visit gyno tells you that you are allergic to latex.

Though being able to save on yeast infection medication is nice, the only over-the-counter non-latex condoms that can be purchased using a credit card (because you never have cash) are Durex's new Avanti condoms. Now, no one likes Durex. They are the Hunts Ketchup of the condom world. But you try it, because for once you'd like to not wake up two days after a one-night stand and realize not only was the sex bad, but that you are also a human bread factory.

The non-latex don't just break, they fucking disintegrate. In the excitement of a man not having ED, this is the last thing you need. Especially financially due to the additional trips to the gyno for STD testing and wire hangers from the dry cleaner. The box of condoms (3) goes for $12.99 and with one breaking about a third of the time that is $12.99 per Coyote Ugly.

Enjoy this breakage survey: http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/03/condom_breakage_survey_lets_do.php