Because You're NOT This Guy

Hey man, I'm just giving him some exposure so settle down. It's not like I went on Leno and told people I bowl like a retard or something really stupid like that.

Because You're an Alcoholic

It was no big deal when you were 19. At that point, two $8 V&Ts at some sticky West Village nightclub would be enough to have you draped across the bar showing off your cute new panties to Mr. Merlin Bronques. Even after sharing a cab home to make sure your comrades didn't pass out on the sidewalk somewhere, an entire night out could be accomplished for under $30. Some of us probably also wore Wet Seal clothes back then, so it's not like wardrobe expenses were particularly burdensome.

But the years go by and all those cups of the white whiskey tone up your liver even faster than the juice did A-Rod (wait, we do sports metaphors around here now? Things ARE getting rough). What used to be $20 benders have now morphed into unmanageable $100 affairs and anyone without an extremely solid line of credit is forced to scrounge for "recession specials" at the International Bar. To be quite frank, bumming charity whiskey shots off of a 40 year-old still nursing fantasies of emo-band stardom or the girl who dies her hair Manic Panic green is just about the lowest of the low. It's like 1998 or something up in here.

So finally the shame forces you home to drink cases of domestics bought at Rite-Aid and the only upside is that there's no room left in the refrigerator for food, so no need for a gym membership anymore. Beer is sort of like food, right? Carbs, iron, B vitamins? I'm starting to get the feeling this recession is going to be pretty hard on my physical health.

Because of Designer Lines at Target

Now, I may be broke, but that doesn't mean that I reduce myself to shopping at discount stores or heaven forbid, The Salvation Army. However, when Target (pronounced with a French accent) announced that Thakoon and Alexander McQueen would be contributing lines to the mass retailer, suddenly the red bull's eye became more must-have than those Tori Burch sandals in Bloomingdale's.

After going to a Long Island Target at 8 am for Thakoon and racing online for McQueen, I really don't have to ask myself why I am broke after purchasing these in a mad frenzy. Yes, they are hot pink zebra-striped spandex.

Because You Don't Live in France

And therefore cannot use such highly strategic methods of negotiation:

Because Durex Condoms Break

As a single, young(ish), broke, yet safe woman in Manhattan, it can become quite pricey to purchase condoms on a regular basis to protect yourself from the unwashed, equally unemployed men of New York...especially after your $40 copay per visit gyno tells you that you are allergic to latex.

Though being able to save on yeast infection medication is nice, the only over-the-counter non-latex condoms that can be purchased using a credit card (because you never have cash) are Durex's new Avanti condoms. Now, no one likes Durex. They are the Hunts Ketchup of the condom world. But you try it, because for once you'd like to not wake up two days after a one-night stand and realize not only was the sex bad, but that you are also a human bread factory.

The non-latex don't just break, they fucking disintegrate. In the excitement of a man not having ED, this is the last thing you need. Especially financially due to the additional trips to the gyno for STD testing and wire hangers from the dry cleaner. The box of condoms (3) goes for $12.99 and with one breaking about a third of the time that is $12.99 per Coyote Ugly.

Enjoy this breakage survey: http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/2009/03/condom_breakage_survey_lets_do.php