Because HE Opens As John Connor Tomorrow

Even without Arnold, this has to be seen in the theater due to this man.

Because You're An Academic

It wasn't too long ago (maybe a few months) that Erin and I had a conversation about why it can be so hard for academics to find a new job. Growing up it was all quite simple, if you studied and worked hard, you got A's in school. There was always a way to advance yourself through more reading or additional work. The real world is unfortunately nothing like that.

I don't network. I don't kiss ass. I don't join clubs. I don't sleep with people to advance myself. My parents are middle class, non-professionals who worked and sacrificed for all that they have.

I was born a writer, went to NYU and had fabulous internships. As I get older, it seems the only place that hard work and a brain does pay off is in the classroom. Most of the people I have worked with, especially the ones I most recently reported to, were and remain complete idiots. Yet they still have jobs because they have no shame, pride or book list that doesn't contain the latest Dan Brown novel.

It's not a pretentious, self-absorbed rant--it's fucking annoying...perhaps that's why most people who like to read and write continue as professional students, because being smart actually works then. John Galt, where are you?

Because Broadway Is Actually Good This Year

Such a Great Show With That Last Act

Having seen August: Osage County and reasons to be pretty this year, I couldn't agree with this article more, except that ticket prices to see my "Uncle Tony" in God of Carnage continue to prove a problem for the unemployed...maybe they need a seat usher? Or someone to clean up the vomit that spews in the second act?

Because You're Scared Of Your Brain Off Drugs

A few years ago I had a headache that lasted an entire year. Each morning when I woke up it crept up in the shower and continued through numerous over-the-counter pills, vodka tonics and nights spent locked in a dark bedroom. I went through lots of tests that year-was it a brain tumor? Did I have a head injury? I even went into the emergency room one night when I could not longer see straight where they had the audacity to think I would agree to a spinal tap. Finally, it clicked with a neurologist at NYU-I suffered from severe anxiety.

I've had it all my life in some form, but all it took was the catalyst of a moronic ex-boyfriend for the serotonin in my brain to completely deplete, resulting in a migraine that only intensified as I grew more and more tense. I auditioned a series of drugs to see what worked for me and got rid of the idiot living with me immediately. I took a two week trip to Germany and started my first full time job as a media reporter. I started to breathe again.

Then five months later, a doctor got a great idea to take me off medication since I had been feeling better. What he didn't realize was that I was feeling better because of the Lexapro. What ensued was a horrifying three week episode of severe panic attacks from the absence of the SSRI. I developed a tongue tick where I made my teeth bleed.

Anyhow, I know I normally tend to be funny and biting in these posts, but in reality, my biggest expense after rent is medication and I have never been one to shun away from honesty. I spend $120/month ($60 every 15 days) on Lexapro, so I can function during the day, $10/month on clonazopan for those moments when things get really bad and the headaches creep up (a once agai daily occurrence since being laid off) and $60/month on Ambien CR, so I can sleep. Add on $80/month for therapy to go along with the drugs ($40/session) and you can see how one could easily go broke--with insurance.

I currently don't have insurance...and my former con-artist employer seems to be hoarding the COBRA papers like a kosher sandwich from Katz, so you can imagine what these drugs and appointments are going to cost me without United Healthcare's (un) affordable policy.

What scares me more though than selling a kidney for these medications is living without them. What would my brain do? I dare not experiment.

Because Grace, Style & Fresh Flowers Don't Come Cheap

What Would Audrey Do?

A manual to live like your icon unfortunately reads more like a shopping list

Because You Find These People Deplorable

Fortune’s Children

I prefer the formerly homeless to the lavishly wealthy by means of mommy and daddy any day...I mean look at this douche bag.

Because Your Grandparents Immigrated

Thriving Norway Provides an Economics Lesson

Someone take me back to my homeland...please...I am ready to go now...

Because Your Dog Is Too Good For A Wee-Wee Pad

It is common knowledge by now that my puppy is a diva. It even says so on her water dish. Though it is hard to know where she developed such behavior (ha), one thing is very clear to my nose--her wee-wee towel sits under my kitchen table. Yes, I work at gaining employment smelling urine all day.

I spent close to $100 on wee-wee pads, only for LB to destroy them and run around with them in her mouth, taunting me for being such a fool. She prefers to urinate on a nice soft towel and then take a toy and lay in that said towel and urine pool. Rolling in it...looking at me...fucking loving it.

The amount of money and time I spend at the laundromat is in vain, as her urine seems to out-smell the strongest of bleaches. She is currently looking at me as if she is an angel and I just had to open all the windows in the house...she must have gotten into some asparagus.

Because You Haven't Become This Desperate...Yet

Glenn BeckTrolling Craigslist for a Writer

Mercury Radio Arts is the New York based production company owned by Radio and TV host Glenn Beck.

Mercury seeks a writer for contributions to Glenn's radio program, magazine, and web site. The ideal candidate will have a strong interest in news, current events, and politics.

Key responsibilities will include contributing original content to GlennBeck.com and to Glenn's radio program and magazine. Writing will include a mix of short pieces and long articles, fact-based commentary on the news of the day, etc.

Requirements:

• Strong written and verbal communication skills• Research skills• At least 2 years of journalism experience

Interested candidates, please send resume, cover letter, and at least 3 writing samples. Cover letters must include salary requirements to be eligible for consideration.

Location: New York, NY

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Because Your Friend's Parents Got Bored In The Winter

Why is May/June the season for birthdays? And not just any birthdays, but ones that warrant gift buying and dinner attendance. Were all your parents that bored during the same time in winter that they had to have sex?

I love and adore my friends and thoroughly enjoy spoiling them rotten, but you people are killing me. My co-founder Miss Erin has her big day next week, followed by a certain man in my life, ending with Father's Day. Perhaps you people would like some food stamps or a homemade gift? I make great collages...

Serenity Now!

Because You Remembered Your Dream

For the past several years, I was living without goals. I had done it all-worked for Rolling Stone, been published in the NY Times, excelled at NYU, went all over Europe. I thought there was nothing left to conquer, but the growing number of books on my Amazon Wish list.

Maybe it took getting laid off to start motivating me again. I just wish it came with some fucking severance. Today, however, I remembered that teenage dream. I had lunch in the NY Times' building and I remembered...

I saw the rows of desks, the fresh copy, the red pen edits and I remembered...I wanted to work at the NY Times. They are no longer hiring--nor would they hire someone my age, but it was nice to feel again. I also realized that should I seriously pursue this dream again, I would be beyond broke. I would have to build my way up at a local paper--or worse, freelancing and begging for bylines at outrageous publications like New York magazine or Gawker that would completely demoralize me.

So you are broke if you go for your dream and you don't have a trust fund or second job, which believe it or not is harder to find than a first in this city...sigh..at least I got to sample their sushi.

Because You Ascribe To New York Magazine

While waiting for my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, my eyes wandered over to the "free" magazines in which I decided to "borrow" the new issue of New York based on its cover story: "How the Recessions May Change the City for Better or Worse."

I usually refrain from reading New York as it only serves to pat on the back the pretentious/materialistic/think they know something about art/culture people from the Midwest who have moved to Manhattan. I was not let down by this cover story. The author argues that the recession is a good thing for New York, because hey, volunteering is up and all crimes are down. Maybe that's because there are no paying jobs and no one can afford a gun or a lead pipe.

She also mentioned that the people who get laid off deserved it for being lazy. Oh really? Honey let me remind you, you are writing for New York, not The New Yorker...Also the last recession provided us with Marc Jacob's Grunge line! Wow...I can not wait. Oh, but my clothes already have holes in them...

The unemployed will feel liberated!...More like infuriated.

Because You Are Getting Old

0.5 oz for $28.50

Because The UES Small Dog Park Is a Bloodbath

I have enough stress in my life right now; hounding people for a job, eating massive amounts of rice and beans and pasta, making semi-weekly trips to the pawn shop, is it too much to ask to sit at the small dog park and let Lil Bubba play? Apparently it is as this afternoon's brawl (of people) proved.

Lil B and I were prancing up the steps and could already hear the yelling. Dog walkers and owners fighting over the fact that the same people are continuously bringing larger dogs into the small dog park. The sign on the fence boldly says your dog must be less than 25 lbs to enter. I know reading is a luxury trait these days, but come on people. I do not want your snuggaluffagus/woolly mammoth lurching at my small pure bred.

As soon as I entered I was approached by a yapping woman about how I felt on the matter. I said that I don't think the larger dogs should be allowed in, because they are a safety hazard to the little ones. Everyone naturally had an opinion alliances were quickly formed, with several fuck yous being exchanged throughout. All the while the dogs continued to play--and then I saw it. One of the illegal large beasts lunged at Lil B, MY LB. In my attempt to stop it, my hand got stuck in the metal fence and split my nail so bad that blood began to pour, opening myself up to swine flu (is that still "in" now btw and whatever else these mutants have in their sweater vests). Thankfully, Lil B bitched slapped the large MUTT before it could do her any harm. That was it; I was now fully engaged in the battle.

Dogs that are big enough to smother mine, need to move their hairy asses to the large dog park literally next door. Eventually, our side prevailed and we had the large dog owners remove their dogs and a small victory was won until tomorrow when they bring them back and the rage attacks begin again. At least, I was able to yell at someone.

Broke total: $1.99 for anti-septic, $2.99 for Band aids for severed nail, $99 for Reese's for inflicted mental trauma at Duane Reade.

Because You Have An Addiction To Pain

Why not take control and self-inflict it permanently? Three down...two to go. Ask for Kelly, he catches you when you pass out.

Because You Have To Pay For That Attitude & Incompetence

There is no other "organization" that baffles and infuriates me more in this city (well, perhaps my now ex-employer who I believe is running a ponzi scheme) than the MTA. Why did I get laid off while they refuse to dispose of the cretins that sit behind the bullet-proof glass reading a book ot sleeping, and have no idea why the L train isn't running today, or the people who speak muffled gibberish over the loudspeaker on the A?

Why is it so hard to make a train run smoothly? Every other major city can do it. Everywhere I have been in Europe has shocked me with its cleanliness, efficiency and mastering of the English language, why is it so hard for these idiots?

Now, instead of laying off these ex-cons, the rest of us unemployed have to pay an extra 25 cents (no fucking way we can afford the monthly passes) per ride so they can continue to take up space. Yes, it could have been worse, but just get rid of all of them. I can't even get on the 6 train going downtown-when it shows up-how are they in so much debt? Also, why would you cut back on cleaning crews when there is a swine flu pandemic?!

And this writer is almost as bitter as me, so please enjoy him:

From Dark Days to Merely Grim at M.T.A.

So it wasn’t doomsday, after all, only gloomsday.

Instead of fare increases in the 25 percent range and appalling service cuts that would have turned many riders into walkers — the so-called doomsday scenario — the board of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority approved a less oppressive plan on Monday.

For the city’s mass-transit passengers, the basic fare will soon rise to $2.25 and not to $2.50, as previously feared. Subway and bus routes that were destined for oblivion are saved — for now.
In short, no doom. But there’s plenty of reason for gloom. There will, rest assured, be pain.

Fares and tolls may not skyrocket but they are nonetheless going up, and at a time when New Yorkers’ pockets are shallower than a Hollywood summer movie. A new fare-rescuing payroll tax will hurt many businesses, not to mention nonprofit organizations already operating on a shoestring. Trains are sure to become dirtier because cleaning crews are scheduled to shrink. And nobody can swear with fingers uncrossed that the worst is over.

If the powers in Albany patted themselves any harder on the back for the transit bailout that they agreed to last week, they might have needed orthopedic surgery. But there is no absolute assurance that further service cuts or fare increases will not be required next year or even sooner.

Moreover, Gov. David A. Paterson and the Legislature put off most of the heavy lifting needed to keep the transit system’s equipment from deteriorating to the sorry state it was in a few decades ago. Those tough decisions await the state’s elected officials as they are about to run for re-election.

Let’s have a show of hands. How many of you find Albany to be an avatar of courage in an election year? That’s what we thought.

Rather than own up to repeated failure by the state — and the city — to give the transit system the money it needs to stay on track, the politicians have resorted to a favorite blood sport: pummeling the transportation authority.

Goodness knows that the authority makes for an easy, and often deserving, target. But more than a few eyes rolled when Malcolm A. Smith, the State Senate majority leader, dragged out a few dreary chestnuts last week to deflect blame from the politicians and to lay it all on the authority. It is “bloated,” Mr. Smith said. It is “a black hole,” he said. It maintains two sets of books, he said, exhuming an old — and discredited — accusation that would have been grounds for prosecution if true.

Intimations of behavior that might be considered criminal are a hoot coming from someone who presides over an institution that has been subject to more indictments in recent years than the Gambino family.

Just over the weekend, State Senator Kevin S. Parker of Brooklyn was charged with assaulting a photographer and Efraín González Jr. of the Bronx, a long-serving senator until this year, pleaded guilty to federal charges of mail fraud...

Because It's Just So Fucking Good

Imported only, none of that domestic shit...

Because You Live With Kafka's Metamorphosis

Because You Have Become Amish

About a month ago the two bulbs in my kitchen light went out...then one of the two in the bedroom...then the one in the hall. One would think this would be an easy thing to fix. However, this is why I am broke...

The "maintenance" team wants to charge me $10/light bulb (even if I supply the light bulbs) in cash only (naturally, a currency I don't own), because they consider this something I can do myself. I could--if I owned a large ladder to reach the ceiling and wanted to die by unscrewing a very heavy lighting fixture. I am 5'9 and I can't reach it from my kitchen chair either. If I were to step on the Ikea table, I would probably paralyze myself.

So why not buy a floor lamp? Because I am unemployed and these "benefits" the state claims to be paying me pay for my rent and a sandwich. So I have been working by candlelight for the past few weeks. You may think this is romantic, but these suckers burn fast. I am down to my last few here and some of them I can't even get lit, because the wick is so far down, it requires a grill lighter.


Now where is my straw hat, damn it?

Because Your Heels Have Eroded And They Aren't Worth A Cobbler

If you could even find one...

Why do my heels always erode? These are not payless shoes here...

Because You Need New Business Cards

MeatCards: Print Your Business Cards On Beef Jerky With A Frickin’ Laser Beam

Because Your Lil Bubba Is A Lil Beast

Hating to be ignored, my little one was just biting my feet from underneath the kitchen table. She put a hole right through my beloved pair of turquoise Totes slipper socks. Not only does this break my heart, but I am also too broke to do laundry and this was my last pair.

She is currently being caged...

Because Ed McMahon Can't Leave His Hospital Bed

***Now who will be delivering my million dollar check to my doorstep?

TMZ: McMahon Sues For Broken Neck Diagnosis
McMahon Needs To Give Deposition From ICU

LAS VEGAS -- Ed McMahon is suing Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles for allegedly misdiagnosing a broken neck, according to tmz.com.

Cedars’ lawyer wants to take McMahon’s deposition, but if McMahon, who is struggling with bone cancer, does not sit for his deposition, his case can be thrown out of court, TMZ said.

In legal papers filed with the court and obtained by TMZ, McMahon's lawyer wrote a letter to the Cedars' lawyer saying McMahon could only give a deposition from the UCLA Medical Center, because that's where he's been bedridden in ICU for three months.

The letter states, "He is not able to leave his hospital bed. Please suggest appropriate dates next week. Please be advised that Ed remains in ICU so medical precautions will be necessary at the direction of the attending UCLA staff," TMZ said.

Because It Rains Every Day

And like other things, your umbrella just can't quite seem to keep it up...

Because You Have Fallen Victim To Corporate Greed

Who is John Galt?

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was just 20 and only now do I feel it's real power. To have a society where the truly talented people have had to vanish in order to expunge society of the corporate greed and brutal incompetence that has taken over has never seemed more prominent. I like to think that I am now a part of that secret club, on strike, waiting for the time to come back and retake the world.

On Monday, my two year anniversary at my company and the day before I was to embark to Europe on vacation (which naturally had to be canceled), I was laid off. This is the first time since I was legally able to work that I have not had a job. It's scary. It's embarassing and it's downright infuriating. A man will be sending his child to one of the top private schools in the country with ease now, as his stash of Israeli gold continues to build under his mattress as I wait online at pawn shops and look for bottles to deposit.

I was offered no severance, no thank you, no explanation; just an email to make sure I return my keys. We wouldn't want my skinny arms stealing the copier, now would we?

As previously blogged about, NYC unemployment only offers $400/week--barely enough to cover the rent on my studio apartment and food for my beloved puppy. I filed the claim for it yesterday, though I am sure there will be some problem and I will loose precious funds due to more incompetence.

People say I should be excited about my freedom, but it wasn't on my terms (and I don't have a trust fund). I don't get a kareoke party or the satisfaction of saying how much of an asshole my boss was, because then he could contest my unemployment. Being broke leaves us no time to find ourselves or go back to our true passions of writing and art, because student loans don't take that as an excuse for non-payment.

Blog posts will return to being funny soon, though I want to give warning that they will reflect much smaller amounts...maybe Erin and I will even catch a break through pity and secure that book deal we so absolutely deserve. Hint...wink...slap

Because You Maxed Out Your First Credit Card

Good night, New York!

Because They Are Sold Out At Duane Reade

Only able for purchase on the black market...did you hear about swine flu yet? There doesn't seem to be anything in the papers or on TV...

Because The Incentives To Work Are Long Gone

There were a lot of perks two years ago when I started working at my current job- (yes, today is my two year anniversary and I am not expecting a thank you, let alone a cake)-summer Fridays, bonuses, actual salaries, staff lunches, plastic silverware, etc. Perhaps my favorite though was the "Hit of the Week" gift card that was fought for every Friday at the weekly staff meeting. Whichever employee had the greatest results that week walked away with a $100 gift card.

The previously listed perks have all been taken away without any analytical information backing them up, but the hit of the week card stayed...that is until Monday. It has been reduced to $50 in order to save a profitable company (in the millions) $3,000/year.

Now, you may say stop complaining, Nicole, you can still win $50, but this is no win. What used to be a fun Friday activity has turned the remaining broke employees to immorally begging, fighting and desperate for a fucking $50 Visa Vanilla gift card that isn't even accepted at most places. It is actually more of a burden to receive it. Let's think about all the things I can't get:

-Groceries, tomorrow's hair cut, a bikini wax, a ride to Newark airport Tuesday, Ambien CR, the hardcover Jenny Holzer book of Truisms at the Whitney, another tattoo, a decent bottle of Jack Daniel's--aka anything worth purchasing.

Instead the card must be put towards something (a usual complete meltdown for cashiers nationwide) or used piecemeal for sandwiches at Pret.

I got paid yesterday and have $200 leftover after bills to last the next 15 days and did I mention I will be in Europe these days and they don't accept gift cards overseas? Please, anyone out there, hire me. I will organize your closet, watch your dog, spoon-feed your drooling grandpa. I'd even work for a "good job."

This post is depressing, and this is why I am broke.

Because You Keep Forgetting To Hit Snooze

Clocky Alarm Clock

Now available in a chrome finish, Clocky is the alarm clock that can jump down from up to 3 feet and run away and hide if one does not get out of bed on time. After one snooze cycle, Clocky will roll and move around the room with randomly patterned alarm beeps. Clocky's wheels can be disabled if the user wants a conventional alarm clock. Snooze function can be adjusted from zero to nine minutes. Requires four AAA batteries (not included). Made of chrome-plated ABS plastic and rubber.

Recommended for ages 8 and up.

Silver Item# 74856
$60.00
$54.00 Members

Because You're Going To Get Swine Flu

The best way to avoid swine flu is to wash your hands. We finally received a container of soap in the women's bathroom today (as a result of the "pandemic" that is still unknow). It was purchased from Jack's (the 99 cent story) by my boss and says nothing about being anti-bacterial and leaves a strong grease feeling on your hands. Since this is Armageddon, we need to cut back on evyerthing-this includes spending less on actual health necessities such as soap. I can't wait until I am in the hospital and United Healthcare refuses to cover swine flu.

You are also broke from slaughtering these harmless pigs...I am a big animal lover/vegetarian...soilent green is coming...

Because You Were Told To Be More Engaged At Work

Because Duane Reade & Your Doctor Are Conspiring Against You

There is nothing I love doing more than arguing with the pharmacists at Duane Reade and the receptionists at my psychiatrist's office. My doctor wrote three very important prescriptions for me on ANOTHER doctor's pad by mistake. Duane Reade didn't recognize the name, and noted that it is highly illegal to fill prescriptions written by a doctor on another doctor's pad. Can you see my rage building?!

After two hours of back and forth phone conversations where each party said they could not do anything until they heard from the other, I took the remaining pills I had and downed them. The outcome is still yet to be seen. Duane Reade said they would move ahead and fill it in an hour, but I find that highly doubtful as no one speaks English and they can't spell Nicole without an H.

Because Everyone Seems to be Mistaking Me For The Gates Foundation Today

Seriously, is everyone and their mother competing in some sort of marathon or bike race or soap box derby this spring? I keep getting hit up to sponsor this crap. Just today I've been squeezed for a leukemia marathon, a diabetes bike race and who the hell knows what else. At this point I think people are digging through my wallet in order to fight male pattern baldness and find a cure for swimmer's ear. I value both my friends and charity immensely and I am trying to be generous, but c'mon guys. Can't we try to spread this out a little? I'm starting to get a sneaking suspicion that you're all just pocketing the money yourselves, which only increases my resentment over this whole issue because it means you were more clever than me in coming up with the scheme. So instead of pocketing my entire paycheck in small increments why not just bring me in on the fun. You've got the brains, I've got the looks...

Because You Are Not Nearly This Efficient

Because You Can Buy Anything On The Internet

More specifically, you can buy all of the ridiculous things you would have loved to buy as a child but were denied either because they weren't available commercially or because your parents (and even Santa) would never agree. Now you are an adult with a real job and psychological disorders that result in severe regression, so you can buy whatever the hell you want. This website sells cereal marshmallows in bulk without those annoying pieces of cereal. As an adult, one obviously does not have the time to pick through an entire box of lucky charms for the only edible parts, so this service could really come in handy for me. Now I just have to find somewhere to get the hot pink Power Wheels my dad so cruelly refused to buy for me. It may have taken me twenty years but, I am finally going to be the coolest kid on the block.

Because It Was Cheaper Than A Life-Size Portrait

My dog's initials with a tiara

Because You Totally Agree With This

I Love It, It's Perfect, Now It Changes

ONE of the best relationships of Deborah Snoonian’s life ended on Dec. 8, 2001. That she was celebrating her birthday did not matter to her heartbreaker.

The love object sat silent, not a chirp as Ms. Snoonian departed.

“I nearly cried the next day when I realized I’d lost it,” said Ms. Snoonian, a magazine editor. “I knew I’d never find its equal.”

Her lost love was a Touchpoint dual-band cellphone, circa 1999, with a flip-down mouthpiece and fax capabilities, that she inadvertently left in a taxi. The model had been discontinued.

“I loved everything about it,” said Ms. Snoonian, whose boyfriend is weary of hearing her rave about its benefits. “It had the best mix of ring tones, everything from ‘The Entertainer’ to ‘Ride of the Valkyries.’ It was the perfect size for my purse, and it had this feature called ‘four-digit dialing,’ which I really liked.”

To judge by marketing hype and iPhone mania, most people live in perpetual anticipation of the next super product: a bigger plasma-screen TV, a sleeker BlackBerry, a more shock-absorbing running shoe. But the truth is, many consumers bemoan the incessant rush of innovation that pushes manufacturers to tamper with products the consumers feel are already perfect.

Their grief is not just nostalgia. Drivers who miss the subcompact Japanese cars of yesteryear, and runners who yearn for the discontinued New Balance 855 running shoe with an anti-pronating roll bar, are victims of “feature creep,” said Jon Linkov, a managing editor at Consumer Reports. This phenomenon, generated by market forces, media hype and twitchy retailers, creates a cycle in which products are constantly improved even if they don’t need to be.

Feature creep, Mr. Linkov said, transformed a typical 1980s BMW from a nimble and relatively small car into the heavy luxury liner of today. “Here was a company that talked about ‘no cup holders,’ ” he said. “You’re supposed to be driving, not drinking in your car. Now they are power-everything, bigger, heavier in every way. They are these luxury tourers filled with leather and wood.”

Frank Beaudoin, founder of the International Honda Civic Wagon Club, a Web site devoted to the vehicle, which has not been produced since the mid-1990s, drives a 1990 Honda wagon, a four-wheel-drive model with 133,000 miles on it. In his job as an inspector for the Chicago Transit Authority, Mr. Beaudoin needs a dependable car that can handle deep snow but does not cost a lot to maintain. “Right now,” he said, speaking on a cellphone during his commute, “it’s purring like a kitten.”

Chris Naughton, a Honda spokesman, said the company has no plans to put the 1990 Civic wagon back into production. He acknowledged that Honda realized a few years ago it might have abandoned its old customer base, those who want small, practical, inexpensive cars. So it introduced the compact $13,850 Fit wagon for the 2007 model year and sold all 50,000 imported into the United States.

Not all jilted consumers eventually get what they want. Many runners have had the experience of going to a sporting goods store wanting to replace their worn-out shoes, only to find their favorite models have been “improved” past all recognition.

David Willey, the editor of Runner’s World magazine, said his publication contributes to feature creep by only reviewing new or improved models of shoes. “There’s this need to continue to evolve and have consumers feel like things are getting better, and that the needle is being moved even if it isn’t,” he said.

New Balance, aware that it was upsetting some longtime customers by continually tinkering with its footwear, recently adopted a “template system” to rein in overly ambitious designers. It allows them to change cosmetics and materials for annual shoe upgrades but not the basic fit and feel, said John Morgan, the company’s group merchandising manager for footwear.

Newest is not always best. For Andre Ribuoli, the director of Pamplemousse Press, a fine-art printing studio in Chelsea, there was never a better inkjet printer than the Iris 3047. Capable of rendering perfect full-color images on sandpaper, fabric or anything else that can bend, the lifeboat-size machine was made in the early 1990s by an Israeli company that is now defunct.

“If I have to be the last man in the world running a 3047,” Mr. Ribuoli said, hands on his hips and gazing lovingly at the beige and black machines one recent afternoon, “I will be the last man running a 3047.”

Some consumers are fighting back less quietly.

When Lancôme discontinued a moisturizer called Nutrix in 2004 to make way for a new version, Nutrix Royal, the company received more than 1,000 phone calls, e-mail messages and letters from bewildered devotees. Like Coca-Cola, which brought back its original formula after a consumer outcry over New Coke, Lancôme bowed to the pressure in January and exhumed the 71-year-old original.

To stave off such consumer backlash, MAC Cosmetics has a section on its Web site called Goodbyes, where it sells limited edition or discontinued products, like Speed Demon Lip Varnish.

It is not always bad business for a company to stick with a successful product even as fashions change.

Since 1993, Casio has been selling the same dependable digital watch, model F30-9, for $7.95, with the same functions — time and date in a black case on a black band, nothing more.

And since 1983, the company has sold 45 million of its G-Shock series of digital watches. While there have been additions to the line over the years, many original designs are still sold. For the 25th anniversary of the G-Shock next year, Casio plans to issue a special version of the first model, the DW-5000, which came only in black. “It’s going to be very true to the original but it will be in white, which is the trend,” said David Johnson, senior general manger for Casio’s timepiece division. “White is wicked hot in watches right now.”

***It is this reason that I want a VW Microbus and my hot pink Razr to never die

Because You Are A Stage Mother

Attention, pug lovers! Does your pug have what it takes to win?

Valentino The Last Emperor's Most Fashionable Pug Contest

And naturally, you need to see Valentino: The Last Emperor in the theater, because pugs walk down the runway.

Because You Got Laid Off Even After You Took A Bullet

What Do You Have To Do To Keep Your Job?

We're going to file this one under WTF! A reporter for the Suburban Journals, a sister publication of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, was shot last year while covering a city council meeting in Kirkwood. After taking a bullet on the job, the paper still felt inclined to lay him off this year.

The reporter, Todd Smith, was the only injured person who survived the shooting last February. Yet just one year later, the paper has decided to cut him for "budgetary reasons." "I got called in Tuesday and told I needed to be at a meeting on Wednesday," Smith told The River Front Times. "I thought I was OK since the Internet and the website are the future, and performance-wise I was doing fine. My family is obviously really not happy that I took a bullet for a business. But I guess in these economic times that isn't enough to save you."

Immediately after taking a bullet in the city hall shooting, Smith—being the dedicated reporter that he is—pulled out his cell phone and a filed a story. That apparently is still not enough to secure your job in this tough economic climate though. As if that weren't enough, yesterday, the Post-Dispatch announced that it was a finalists (but did not win) the Pulitzer Prizes for breaking news coverage of the shooting. Though we can't confirm it, some of that coverage was probably drawn from Smith's on the scene report. Man, if even this dedicated reporter can't keep his job, we wish technophobe Maureen Dowd a lot of luck.

Because They Are Still Drinking Your Milk

I have tried labeling and OCD stacking so I know when it has been touched, but these mutants just continue to drink my milk. Time to take matters into my own hands with: Ipecac

Ipecac (IP-e-kak) is used in the emergency treatment of certain kinds of poisoning. It is used to cause vomiting of the poison.

Only the syrup form of ipecac should be used. A bottle of ipecac labeled as being Ipecac Fluidextract or Ipecac Tincture should not be used. These dosage forms are too strong and may cause serious side effects or death. Only ipecac syrup contains the proper strength of ipecac for treating poisonings.

***Am also considering traveling with it in my purse for anyone in an Ed Hardy T-shirt, white beater, dentures or house music fan.

Because This Is In Iraq

http://www.tressugar.com/3063394

Want to live like a king tyrant . . . with bad taste? Saddam Hussein's former palace has just opened as a hotel and tourist site in Iraq. The palace is adjacent to the ancient city of Babylon and is open to the public for about 85 cents.

Because of International Taxes on Flights

I was offered a sweet deal from my co-author and bestie here, Erin. A week in St. Marteen at a private villa with a kidney-shaped pool and lounge chairs that make me want to throw this office chair out the window (see earlier post). I have a nice little credit from Continental when they overcharged me for something, so I figured, wow I can afford to leave my house! Wrong!

The flight was only $238, but then those Dutch tacked on a $100 International tax. Now I have to get a second job. I applied online at American Apparel and they asked me to submit three photos. I found this highly degrading, but am thankful that DrivebyBoredom.com had some shots of me in their clothing in various positions for me to submit.

I also spent the morning applying for random jobs on Craig's List, one of which included attending a commerical shoot for a cocktail commerical that required no talking, just drinking--my perfect night out.

I have also applied to watch children. You can sense my desparation...but I don't care what it takes, I will be out on that beach with Erin and we will be frolicking, frolicking, damnit!

Because Your Outfit Got Soaked

Man jailed for urinating on woman during flight

HONOLULU (AP) — A 28-year-old man has been sentenced to three weeks in jail for urinating on a 66-year-old woman during a Continental Airlines flight last month from Los Angeles to Honolulu. Jerome Kenneth Kingzio, a resident of the U.S. Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands, was sentenced after pleading guilty Tuesday to assault charges in federal court in Honolulu.

The victim was headed to Hawaii on March 21 for a scuba diving vacation and was watching an in-flight movie when Kingzio stood up and began urinating on her. He had been drinking on the flight.

U.S. Attorney Edward Kubo Jr. said the woman reported that not only was her entire vacation ruined, but she continues to suffer emotionally from the incident.

The case was investigated by the FBI.

*** Glad my tax dollars are going to intense investigations!

Because Your Puppy Survived Having Her Ovaries Removed

Equally excessive tattoo post for my puppy to follow-with video. We are slowly learning how to use a computer...

Because Shitheads Steal

I have unfortunately been the victim of theft several times over the past few years: unemployed men stealing $20s from the stash of emergency cash I used to keep in my closet, one night stands claiming they have never seen the gold Italien bracelet I forgot on their nightstand, not to mention the loads of dignity and self-respect taken from me for good.

But now things are reaching a new level-the medicine cabinet. I have insomnia -the I can't stay asleep kind and Sunday as I reached for my bottle of Ambien CR to take with me to my parent's house, I noticed there was a vacancy on the middle shelf. Are people that hard up that they have to steal sleep aids now? Or worse, was it taken out of my purse the night before by some frat monkey who wanted to drug me with it? A one month supply costs $60 with insurance and it would be really nice to sleep. If these posts are bitter lately, it's because I haven't been sleeping, the perils of being broke.

Because This Should Be Us

I Can Has Cheezburger, really? RAGE RAGE RAGE. With the exception of Stuff White People Like, these people can't/don't even write! Calling all agents!!!

Public Provides Giggles; Bloggers Get the Book Deal

After Duncan Birmingham, a comedy screenwriter in Los Angeles, got one too many holiday cards featuring miserable-looking pets wearing fake reindeer antlers, he realized the photos were great material for a blog.

Doree Shafrir, right, and Jessica Grose created the book “Love, Mom,” from a blog that collected humorous e-mail messages between women and their adult children. Tracking down the owners of user-submitted materials to obtain publishing rights became a nightmarish task.

Mr. Birmingham started Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves in early January, uploaded the first entry and asked readers to contribute. Within days, visitors were supplying him with snapshots of bulldogs in bunny costumes and cats wearing wigs. The blogosphere noticed — and so did the publishing world. Within a week, he was contacted by editors and literary agents. By the second month, he said, he had sold a book based on the photos to Three Rivers Press, an imprint at Crown Publishing Group, for “enough money to buy a Lincoln Town Car” — with change left over.

Not bad for an unpublished novelist who is allergic to animals and admits that he is “terrible with computers.”

Of course, it’s not unusual for blogs to form the basis of books. For example, Christian Lander, author of the humor blog Stuff White People Like, wrote scores of blog entries and then reworked them into a popular 2008 book of the same name.

But the latest frenzy is over books that take the lazy, Tom Sawyer approach to authorship. The creators come up with a goofy or witty idea, put it up on a simple platform like Twitter and Tumblr, and wait for contributors to provide all of the content. The authors put their energy into publicizing the sites and compiling the best material.

Agents and publishing houses can’t get seem to get enough of these quickie humor books, which sell for $10 to $15 in gift shops and hip clothing stores like Urban Outfitters as well as traditional bookstores. At least eight books created from user-generated content are due out this year, including “Love, Mom,” a just-published collection of embarrassing or funny electronic exchanges between mothers and their children.

“Just about every house in town is paying attention,” said Patrick Mulligan, a senior editor at Gotham Books who handled a 2008 book of cat photos with bizarre captions called “I Can Has Cheezburger?”

....

Because NYC Unemployment Is Less Than Everywhere Else

For New York’s Newly Jobless, $430 Doesn’t Go Far

Lose your job in Boston, Pittsburgh, Seattle or Trenton and you could collect $544 or more per week in unemployment benefits. But get laid off in New York City, as almost 200,000 workers have in the past year, and the most you can collect is $430 a week.

Despite its high cost of living, New York pays less to its unemployed than about two dozen other states, including all of its neighbors. New York’s benefits have not been raised by lawmakers in Albany in more than a decade, making it particularly difficult for jobless residents of the metropolitan area to pay for food, rent and health insurance.

Michael Sklar, 51, said he had resorted to asking his parents for financial help after several months of trying to support his family of three on the unemployment pay he collects from New York State. The federal unemployment insurance system was designed to temporarily replace about half of a laid-off worker’s lost income, but Mr. Sklar’s benefits amount to just one-fifth of what he said he had earned as a senior systems analyst for Sony Music Entertainment in Manhattan before he was dismissed in late August.

Most of his unemployment pay goes toward the $1,300 a month he pays to maintain the health insurance his family had obtained through Sony. To cover the rest of the family’s expenses, including college tuition for his son, Mr. Sklar has been using his severance pay and savings, he said. He and his wife have cut out frills like movies and eating out. They occasionally attend free cooking classes at a Mexican restaurant in Hackensack, N.J., for the meals that come with them.
Mr. Sklar, who lives in Fort Lee, N.J., said that he had considered filing for bankruptcy but avoided doing so by borrowing from his parents, who are in their 80s.

“I shouldn’t have to turn to my parents, as a 51-year-old man, and ask for money,” he said.
Supporting a family on unemployment benefits can be a challenge anywhere in the country, even in Massachusetts, where the unemployed can collect more than $650 a week, the most in the nation. But the situation has become more acute in New York because its state unemployment insurance system does not adjust the level of benefits annually to account for inflation, as its neighboring states do.

.....
Until state lawmakers agree to change the system, jobless New Yorkers will be left with benefits that would not cover the average rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan, still averaging nearly $2,000 a month. In Massachusetts, the maximum weekly benefit, excluding add-ons for dependents, is $653. It is $609 in New Jersey, $544 in Connecticut and $583 in Pennsylvania. Washington State’s $566 benefit will rise to $611 in May.

More than a week’s benefits are eaten up each month by the $514 premium she pays to maintain the health insurance she had through Viacom, which owns MTV, Ms. Weissman said.
“I’m cutting down on luxuries I used to enjoy, such as taking the subway,” she said.
“I don’t go out as much as I used to, and if I do, I don’t drink as much. I’ll look for any happy hour I can find.”

Plus, she said, she has found that “friends are more likely to buy you a drink when you are out of work.”

Because You Have Some Serious Rage Attacks

Because You Are A Masochist When You Worry

After seven years and dropping my beloved off at the hospital this morning for her surgery (tears unstoppable at the hand-off), I have decided to add to my tattoo collection. Because people with no skills to manage stress love to scar themselves. Possibly even with one tonight--if I can find someone competent--and judging by my mishandled coffee this morning, that will be a miracle. Naturally, I have already secured someone abroad to do a piece next month, because Europeans actually do what they say they are going to do. They also know how to pour milk into a cup of coffee. Shocking, isn't it?

Obviously this picture is ironic.

Because You're Not Willing To Sacrifice A Limb...Yet

Because Your Baby Is Getting Surgery Tomorrow

Because You Don't Live in Canada or Europe or Any Civilized Nation

As Pills Treat Cancer, Insurance Lags Behind

Chuck Stauffer’s insurance covered the surgery to remove his brain tumor. It covered his brain scans. And it would have paid fully for tens of thousands of dollars of intravenous chemotherapy at a doctor’s office or hospital.

But his insurance covered hardly any of the cost of the cancer pills the doctor prescribed for him to take at home. Mr. Stauffer, a 62-year-old Oregon farmer, had to pay $5,500 for the first 42-day supply of the drug, Temodar, and $1,700 a month after that.

“Because it was a pill,” he said, “I had to pay — not the insurance.”

Pills and capsules are the new wave in cancer treatment, expected to account for 25 percent of all cancer medicines in a few years, up from less than 10 percent now.

The oral drugs can free patients from frequent trips to a clinic to be hooked to an intravenous line for hours. Fewer visits might save the health system money as well as time. And the pills are a step toward making cancer a manageable chronic condition, like diabetes.

But for many patients, exchanging an I.V. bag for a pill is a lopsided trade because the economics and practice of cancer medicine have not caught up with the convenience of oral drugs.

Because You Would Have Looked Stupid Otherwise

Because You Gave Money To Obese Children

Now there are not many people I adore more in this world more than my friend Kevin. Besides being very handsome (and single-ladies?), he is also an incredible runner and athlete, so last year when he was training for the New York City Marathon, it was inconceivable for me NOT to donate towards his slot. It was only after I had debited my $40 did I realize that the money went to obese children in New York City.

I am a very charitable person. I have dated and sheltered many unemployed and (in some form) disabled men throughout my short time on this earth, so giving is not the problem. Have you ever seen an obese child in New York City? No, you have not. And if you did, why would these children need more money? For McDonald's, after-school snacks? Not on my dime! Last I heard exercising in the park was free! I played kickball in a concrete court. Now you may say, well it's not the kid's fault, it's the parents. I completely agree and being that the money can not go directly to someone under 18, that only proves my point on this scam.

I donated this money last year obviously, but now since it's tax time I also learned the fabulous news that I did not donate enough money for it to be tax-deductable. Isn't that fabulous? Next year I plan to be at the marathon with Slim Fast bars...

Because You Would Rather Be Evicted, Starve and Move Back In With Dad Than Do This

Dogged Pursuit: Professionals Find New Livelihood Selling Frankfurters

BANDERA, Texas -- In hard times, some small-town Americans are turning to a new livelihood with relish.

Among them are Andrea and Ben Guajardo. They began selling hot dogs from a pushcart on Main Street in November.

Ms. Guajardo is a grant administrator for a health-care system. Her husband, Ben, is a pipeline operator. Theirs is the first hot-dog stand in Bandera, pop. 957, that anybody here can remember.

"It's a backup plan," says Ms. Guajardo, a mother of four. "No one knows what's going to happen with the economy, and I don't want to have to scrounge for a minimum-wage job."

(Sarah E. Needleman, WSJ)

So she wants to sell hot dogs to migrant workers over getting a minimum wage job? Shit, I'd rather work at McDonalds. At least you get to be in the air conditioning and none of your friends will see you and laugh(because they sure don't eat that crap). I'd probably even take $5 an hour to clean toilets before I would be seen selling hot dogs on the street. I intend to get through this economic tragedy with a tiny bit of dignity. This cart business is absolutely mortifying!

Because Your Dog Has a Vagina

There is nothing I love more in this world than my puppy. The gorgeous Lil Bubba has just turned six months old and it is time for her to get spayed. Naturally, as an upper east side mother, my dog will go through the procedure at a luxury hospital on Long Island with 24 hour care, the price of which will be close to one month's rent.

But I have to do this. The charismatic LB is a pure bred and the hottest shit at the dog park with her pink cashmere sweater (and she knows it). Five seconds into the dog park and the mutts were pouncing on her, trying to rape her from behind. Her mother does not want LB to have to deal with these mutants, because she already knows how bad it is.

After the heinous act is over, if they do call you again, they don't have jobs, don't bathe or they steal from your cookie jar. If LB was a man, I would have no problem allowing her to run around impregnating people. Perhaps I would get some kind of perverse pleasure out of spoiling the little princesses --especially those owned by men with ugly girlfriends.

Besides being broke from removing ovaries, costs are exponentially high for my drug/alcohol consumption this week leading up to the procedure and following her recovery. The thought of my diva in a cage with a cone on her neck is just too much to bear...the dive bars of downtown Manhattan have been warned, and I demand recession prices.