Because You're Scared Of Your Brain Off Drugs

A few years ago I had a headache that lasted an entire year. Each morning when I woke up it crept up in the shower and continued through numerous over-the-counter pills, vodka tonics and nights spent locked in a dark bedroom. I went through lots of tests that year-was it a brain tumor? Did I have a head injury? I even went into the emergency room one night when I could not longer see straight where they had the audacity to think I would agree to a spinal tap. Finally, it clicked with a neurologist at NYU-I suffered from severe anxiety.

I've had it all my life in some form, but all it took was the catalyst of a moronic ex-boyfriend for the serotonin in my brain to completely deplete, resulting in a migraine that only intensified as I grew more and more tense. I auditioned a series of drugs to see what worked for me and got rid of the idiot living with me immediately. I took a two week trip to Germany and started my first full time job as a media reporter. I started to breathe again.

Then five months later, a doctor got a great idea to take me off medication since I had been feeling better. What he didn't realize was that I was feeling better because of the Lexapro. What ensued was a horrifying three week episode of severe panic attacks from the absence of the SSRI. I developed a tongue tick where I made my teeth bleed.

Anyhow, I know I normally tend to be funny and biting in these posts, but in reality, my biggest expense after rent is medication and I have never been one to shun away from honesty. I spend $120/month ($60 every 15 days) on Lexapro, so I can function during the day, $10/month on clonazopan for those moments when things get really bad and the headaches creep up (a once agai daily occurrence since being laid off) and $60/month on Ambien CR, so I can sleep. Add on $80/month for therapy to go along with the drugs ($40/session) and you can see how one could easily go broke--with insurance.

I currently don't have insurance...and my former con-artist employer seems to be hoarding the COBRA papers like a kosher sandwich from Katz, so you can imagine what these drugs and appointments are going to cost me without United Healthcare's (un) affordable policy.

What scares me more though than selling a kidney for these medications is living without them. What would my brain do? I dare not experiment.