Because HE Opens As John Connor Tomorrow

Even without Arnold, this has to be seen in the theater due to this man.

Because You're An Academic

It wasn't too long ago (maybe a few months) that Erin and I had a conversation about why it can be so hard for academics to find a new job. Growing up it was all quite simple, if you studied and worked hard, you got A's in school. There was always a way to advance yourself through more reading or additional work. The real world is unfortunately nothing like that.

I don't network. I don't kiss ass. I don't join clubs. I don't sleep with people to advance myself. My parents are middle class, non-professionals who worked and sacrificed for all that they have.

I was born a writer, went to NYU and had fabulous internships. As I get older, it seems the only place that hard work and a brain does pay off is in the classroom. Most of the people I have worked with, especially the ones I most recently reported to, were and remain complete idiots. Yet they still have jobs because they have no shame, pride or book list that doesn't contain the latest Dan Brown novel.

It's not a pretentious, self-absorbed rant--it's fucking annoying...perhaps that's why most people who like to read and write continue as professional students, because being smart actually works then. John Galt, where are you?

Because Broadway Is Actually Good This Year

Such a Great Show With That Last Act

Having seen August: Osage County and reasons to be pretty this year, I couldn't agree with this article more, except that ticket prices to see my "Uncle Tony" in God of Carnage continue to prove a problem for the unemployed...maybe they need a seat usher? Or someone to clean up the vomit that spews in the second act?

Because You're Scared Of Your Brain Off Drugs

A few years ago I had a headache that lasted an entire year. Each morning when I woke up it crept up in the shower and continued through numerous over-the-counter pills, vodka tonics and nights spent locked in a dark bedroom. I went through lots of tests that year-was it a brain tumor? Did I have a head injury? I even went into the emergency room one night when I could not longer see straight where they had the audacity to think I would agree to a spinal tap. Finally, it clicked with a neurologist at NYU-I suffered from severe anxiety.

I've had it all my life in some form, but all it took was the catalyst of a moronic ex-boyfriend for the serotonin in my brain to completely deplete, resulting in a migraine that only intensified as I grew more and more tense. I auditioned a series of drugs to see what worked for me and got rid of the idiot living with me immediately. I took a two week trip to Germany and started my first full time job as a media reporter. I started to breathe again.

Then five months later, a doctor got a great idea to take me off medication since I had been feeling better. What he didn't realize was that I was feeling better because of the Lexapro. What ensued was a horrifying three week episode of severe panic attacks from the absence of the SSRI. I developed a tongue tick where I made my teeth bleed.

Anyhow, I know I normally tend to be funny and biting in these posts, but in reality, my biggest expense after rent is medication and I have never been one to shun away from honesty. I spend $120/month ($60 every 15 days) on Lexapro, so I can function during the day, $10/month on clonazopan for those moments when things get really bad and the headaches creep up (a once agai daily occurrence since being laid off) and $60/month on Ambien CR, so I can sleep. Add on $80/month for therapy to go along with the drugs ($40/session) and you can see how one could easily go broke--with insurance.

I currently don't have insurance...and my former con-artist employer seems to be hoarding the COBRA papers like a kosher sandwich from Katz, so you can imagine what these drugs and appointments are going to cost me without United Healthcare's (un) affordable policy.

What scares me more though than selling a kidney for these medications is living without them. What would my brain do? I dare not experiment.

Because Grace, Style & Fresh Flowers Don't Come Cheap

What Would Audrey Do?

A manual to live like your icon unfortunately reads more like a shopping list

Because You Find These People Deplorable

Fortune’s Children

I prefer the formerly homeless to the lavishly wealthy by means of mommy and daddy any day...I mean look at this douche bag.

Because Your Grandparents Immigrated

Thriving Norway Provides an Economics Lesson

Someone take me back to my homeland...please...I am ready to go now...

Because Your Dog Is Too Good For A Wee-Wee Pad

It is common knowledge by now that my puppy is a diva. It even says so on her water dish. Though it is hard to know where she developed such behavior (ha), one thing is very clear to my nose--her wee-wee towel sits under my kitchen table. Yes, I work at gaining employment smelling urine all day.

I spent close to $100 on wee-wee pads, only for LB to destroy them and run around with them in her mouth, taunting me for being such a fool. She prefers to urinate on a nice soft towel and then take a toy and lay in that said towel and urine pool. Rolling in it...looking at me...fucking loving it.

The amount of money and time I spend at the laundromat is in vain, as her urine seems to out-smell the strongest of bleaches. She is currently looking at me as if she is an angel and I just had to open all the windows in the house...she must have gotten into some asparagus.

Because You Haven't Become This Desperate...Yet

Glenn BeckTrolling Craigslist for a Writer

Mercury Radio Arts is the New York based production company owned by Radio and TV host Glenn Beck.

Mercury seeks a writer for contributions to Glenn's radio program, magazine, and web site. The ideal candidate will have a strong interest in news, current events, and politics.

Key responsibilities will include contributing original content to GlennBeck.com and to Glenn's radio program and magazine. Writing will include a mix of short pieces and long articles, fact-based commentary on the news of the day, etc.

Requirements:

• Strong written and verbal communication skills• Research skills• At least 2 years of journalism experience

Interested candidates, please send resume, cover letter, and at least 3 writing samples. Cover letters must include salary requirements to be eligible for consideration.

Location: New York, NY

We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

Because Your Friend's Parents Got Bored In The Winter

Why is May/June the season for birthdays? And not just any birthdays, but ones that warrant gift buying and dinner attendance. Were all your parents that bored during the same time in winter that they had to have sex?

I love and adore my friends and thoroughly enjoy spoiling them rotten, but you people are killing me. My co-founder Miss Erin has her big day next week, followed by a certain man in my life, ending with Father's Day. Perhaps you people would like some food stamps or a homemade gift? I make great collages...

Serenity Now!

Because You Remembered Your Dream

For the past several years, I was living without goals. I had done it all-worked for Rolling Stone, been published in the NY Times, excelled at NYU, went all over Europe. I thought there was nothing left to conquer, but the growing number of books on my Amazon Wish list.

Maybe it took getting laid off to start motivating me again. I just wish it came with some fucking severance. Today, however, I remembered that teenage dream. I had lunch in the NY Times' building and I remembered...

I saw the rows of desks, the fresh copy, the red pen edits and I remembered...I wanted to work at the NY Times. They are no longer hiring--nor would they hire someone my age, but it was nice to feel again. I also realized that should I seriously pursue this dream again, I would be beyond broke. I would have to build my way up at a local paper--or worse, freelancing and begging for bylines at outrageous publications like New York magazine or Gawker that would completely demoralize me.

So you are broke if you go for your dream and you don't have a trust fund or second job, which believe it or not is harder to find than a first in this city...sigh..at least I got to sample their sushi.

Because You Ascribe To New York Magazine

While waiting for my psychiatrist appointment this afternoon, my eyes wandered over to the "free" magazines in which I decided to "borrow" the new issue of New York based on its cover story: "How the Recessions May Change the City for Better or Worse."

I usually refrain from reading New York as it only serves to pat on the back the pretentious/materialistic/think they know something about art/culture people from the Midwest who have moved to Manhattan. I was not let down by this cover story. The author argues that the recession is a good thing for New York, because hey, volunteering is up and all crimes are down. Maybe that's because there are no paying jobs and no one can afford a gun or a lead pipe.

She also mentioned that the people who get laid off deserved it for being lazy. Oh really? Honey let me remind you, you are writing for New York, not The New Yorker...Also the last recession provided us with Marc Jacob's Grunge line! Wow...I can not wait. Oh, but my clothes already have holes in them...

The unemployed will feel liberated!...More like infuriated.

Because You Are Getting Old

0.5 oz for $28.50

Because The UES Small Dog Park Is a Bloodbath

I have enough stress in my life right now; hounding people for a job, eating massive amounts of rice and beans and pasta, making semi-weekly trips to the pawn shop, is it too much to ask to sit at the small dog park and let Lil Bubba play? Apparently it is as this afternoon's brawl (of people) proved.

Lil B and I were prancing up the steps and could already hear the yelling. Dog walkers and owners fighting over the fact that the same people are continuously bringing larger dogs into the small dog park. The sign on the fence boldly says your dog must be less than 25 lbs to enter. I know reading is a luxury trait these days, but come on people. I do not want your snuggaluffagus/woolly mammoth lurching at my small pure bred.

As soon as I entered I was approached by a yapping woman about how I felt on the matter. I said that I don't think the larger dogs should be allowed in, because they are a safety hazard to the little ones. Everyone naturally had an opinion alliances were quickly formed, with several fuck yous being exchanged throughout. All the while the dogs continued to play--and then I saw it. One of the illegal large beasts lunged at Lil B, MY LB. In my attempt to stop it, my hand got stuck in the metal fence and split my nail so bad that blood began to pour, opening myself up to swine flu (is that still "in" now btw and whatever else these mutants have in their sweater vests). Thankfully, Lil B bitched slapped the large MUTT before it could do her any harm. That was it; I was now fully engaged in the battle.

Dogs that are big enough to smother mine, need to move their hairy asses to the large dog park literally next door. Eventually, our side prevailed and we had the large dog owners remove their dogs and a small victory was won until tomorrow when they bring them back and the rage attacks begin again. At least, I was able to yell at someone.

Broke total: $1.99 for anti-septic, $2.99 for Band aids for severed nail, $99 for Reese's for inflicted mental trauma at Duane Reade.

Because You Have An Addiction To Pain

Why not take control and self-inflict it permanently? Three down...two to go. Ask for Kelly, he catches you when you pass out.

Because You Have To Pay For That Attitude & Incompetence

There is no other "organization" that baffles and infuriates me more in this city (well, perhaps my now ex-employer who I believe is running a ponzi scheme) than the MTA. Why did I get laid off while they refuse to dispose of the cretins that sit behind the bullet-proof glass reading a book ot sleeping, and have no idea why the L train isn't running today, or the people who speak muffled gibberish over the loudspeaker on the A?

Why is it so hard to make a train run smoothly? Every other major city can do it. Everywhere I have been in Europe has shocked me with its cleanliness, efficiency and mastering of the English language, why is it so hard for these idiots?

Now, instead of laying off these ex-cons, the rest of us unemployed have to pay an extra 25 cents (no fucking way we can afford the monthly passes) per ride so they can continue to take up space. Yes, it could have been worse, but just get rid of all of them. I can't even get on the 6 train going downtown-when it shows up-how are they in so much debt? Also, why would you cut back on cleaning crews when there is a swine flu pandemic?!

And this writer is almost as bitter as me, so please enjoy him:

From Dark Days to Merely Grim at M.T.A.

So it wasn’t doomsday, after all, only gloomsday.

Instead of fare increases in the 25 percent range and appalling service cuts that would have turned many riders into walkers — the so-called doomsday scenario — the board of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority approved a less oppressive plan on Monday.

For the city’s mass-transit passengers, the basic fare will soon rise to $2.25 and not to $2.50, as previously feared. Subway and bus routes that were destined for oblivion are saved — for now.
In short, no doom. But there’s plenty of reason for gloom. There will, rest assured, be pain.

Fares and tolls may not skyrocket but they are nonetheless going up, and at a time when New Yorkers’ pockets are shallower than a Hollywood summer movie. A new fare-rescuing payroll tax will hurt many businesses, not to mention nonprofit organizations already operating on a shoestring. Trains are sure to become dirtier because cleaning crews are scheduled to shrink. And nobody can swear with fingers uncrossed that the worst is over.

If the powers in Albany patted themselves any harder on the back for the transit bailout that they agreed to last week, they might have needed orthopedic surgery. But there is no absolute assurance that further service cuts or fare increases will not be required next year or even sooner.

Moreover, Gov. David A. Paterson and the Legislature put off most of the heavy lifting needed to keep the transit system’s equipment from deteriorating to the sorry state it was in a few decades ago. Those tough decisions await the state’s elected officials as they are about to run for re-election.

Let’s have a show of hands. How many of you find Albany to be an avatar of courage in an election year? That’s what we thought.

Rather than own up to repeated failure by the state — and the city — to give the transit system the money it needs to stay on track, the politicians have resorted to a favorite blood sport: pummeling the transportation authority.

Goodness knows that the authority makes for an easy, and often deserving, target. But more than a few eyes rolled when Malcolm A. Smith, the State Senate majority leader, dragged out a few dreary chestnuts last week to deflect blame from the politicians and to lay it all on the authority. It is “bloated,” Mr. Smith said. It is “a black hole,” he said. It maintains two sets of books, he said, exhuming an old — and discredited — accusation that would have been grounds for prosecution if true.

Intimations of behavior that might be considered criminal are a hoot coming from someone who presides over an institution that has been subject to more indictments in recent years than the Gambino family.

Just over the weekend, State Senator Kevin S. Parker of Brooklyn was charged with assaulting a photographer and Efraín González Jr. of the Bronx, a long-serving senator until this year, pleaded guilty to federal charges of mail fraud...

Because It's Just So Fucking Good

Imported only, none of that domestic shit...

Because You Live With Kafka's Metamorphosis

Because You Have Become Amish

About a month ago the two bulbs in my kitchen light went out...then one of the two in the bedroom...then the one in the hall. One would think this would be an easy thing to fix. However, this is why I am broke...

The "maintenance" team wants to charge me $10/light bulb (even if I supply the light bulbs) in cash only (naturally, a currency I don't own), because they consider this something I can do myself. I could--if I owned a large ladder to reach the ceiling and wanted to die by unscrewing a very heavy lighting fixture. I am 5'9 and I can't reach it from my kitchen chair either. If I were to step on the Ikea table, I would probably paralyze myself.

So why not buy a floor lamp? Because I am unemployed and these "benefits" the state claims to be paying me pay for my rent and a sandwich. So I have been working by candlelight for the past few weeks. You may think this is romantic, but these suckers burn fast. I am down to my last few here and some of them I can't even get lit, because the wick is so far down, it requires a grill lighter.


Now where is my straw hat, damn it?

Because Your Heels Have Eroded And They Aren't Worth A Cobbler

If you could even find one...

Why do my heels always erode? These are not payless shoes here...

Because You Need New Business Cards

MeatCards: Print Your Business Cards On Beef Jerky With A Frickin’ Laser Beam

Because Your Lil Bubba Is A Lil Beast

Hating to be ignored, my little one was just biting my feet from underneath the kitchen table. She put a hole right through my beloved pair of turquoise Totes slipper socks. Not only does this break my heart, but I am also too broke to do laundry and this was my last pair.

She is currently being caged...

Because Ed McMahon Can't Leave His Hospital Bed

***Now who will be delivering my million dollar check to my doorstep?

TMZ: McMahon Sues For Broken Neck Diagnosis
McMahon Needs To Give Deposition From ICU

LAS VEGAS -- Ed McMahon is suing Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles for allegedly misdiagnosing a broken neck, according to tmz.com.

Cedars’ lawyer wants to take McMahon’s deposition, but if McMahon, who is struggling with bone cancer, does not sit for his deposition, his case can be thrown out of court, TMZ said.

In legal papers filed with the court and obtained by TMZ, McMahon's lawyer wrote a letter to the Cedars' lawyer saying McMahon could only give a deposition from the UCLA Medical Center, because that's where he's been bedridden in ICU for three months.

The letter states, "He is not able to leave his hospital bed. Please suggest appropriate dates next week. Please be advised that Ed remains in ICU so medical precautions will be necessary at the direction of the attending UCLA staff," TMZ said.

Because It Rains Every Day

And like other things, your umbrella just can't quite seem to keep it up...

Because You Have Fallen Victim To Corporate Greed

Who is John Galt?

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was just 20 and only now do I feel it's real power. To have a society where the truly talented people have had to vanish in order to expunge society of the corporate greed and brutal incompetence that has taken over has never seemed more prominent. I like to think that I am now a part of that secret club, on strike, waiting for the time to come back and retake the world.

On Monday, my two year anniversary at my company and the day before I was to embark to Europe on vacation (which naturally had to be canceled), I was laid off. This is the first time since I was legally able to work that I have not had a job. It's scary. It's embarassing and it's downright infuriating. A man will be sending his child to one of the top private schools in the country with ease now, as his stash of Israeli gold continues to build under his mattress as I wait online at pawn shops and look for bottles to deposit.

I was offered no severance, no thank you, no explanation; just an email to make sure I return my keys. We wouldn't want my skinny arms stealing the copier, now would we?

As previously blogged about, NYC unemployment only offers $400/week--barely enough to cover the rent on my studio apartment and food for my beloved puppy. I filed the claim for it yesterday, though I am sure there will be some problem and I will loose precious funds due to more incompetence.

People say I should be excited about my freedom, but it wasn't on my terms (and I don't have a trust fund). I don't get a kareoke party or the satisfaction of saying how much of an asshole my boss was, because then he could contest my unemployment. Being broke leaves us no time to find ourselves or go back to our true passions of writing and art, because student loans don't take that as an excuse for non-payment.

Blog posts will return to being funny soon, though I want to give warning that they will reflect much smaller amounts...maybe Erin and I will even catch a break through pity and secure that book deal we so absolutely deserve. Hint...wink...slap

Because You Maxed Out Your First Credit Card

Good night, New York!

Because They Are Sold Out At Duane Reade

Only able for purchase on the black market...did you hear about swine flu yet? There doesn't seem to be anything in the papers or on TV...

Because The Incentives To Work Are Long Gone

There were a lot of perks two years ago when I started working at my current job- (yes, today is my two year anniversary and I am not expecting a thank you, let alone a cake)-summer Fridays, bonuses, actual salaries, staff lunches, plastic silverware, etc. Perhaps my favorite though was the "Hit of the Week" gift card that was fought for every Friday at the weekly staff meeting. Whichever employee had the greatest results that week walked away with a $100 gift card.

The previously listed perks have all been taken away without any analytical information backing them up, but the hit of the week card stayed...that is until Monday. It has been reduced to $50 in order to save a profitable company (in the millions) $3,000/year.

Now, you may say stop complaining, Nicole, you can still win $50, but this is no win. What used to be a fun Friday activity has turned the remaining broke employees to immorally begging, fighting and desperate for a fucking $50 Visa Vanilla gift card that isn't even accepted at most places. It is actually more of a burden to receive it. Let's think about all the things I can't get:

-Groceries, tomorrow's hair cut, a bikini wax, a ride to Newark airport Tuesday, Ambien CR, the hardcover Jenny Holzer book of Truisms at the Whitney, another tattoo, a decent bottle of Jack Daniel's--aka anything worth purchasing.

Instead the card must be put towards something (a usual complete meltdown for cashiers nationwide) or used piecemeal for sandwiches at Pret.

I got paid yesterday and have $200 leftover after bills to last the next 15 days and did I mention I will be in Europe these days and they don't accept gift cards overseas? Please, anyone out there, hire me. I will organize your closet, watch your dog, spoon-feed your drooling grandpa. I'd even work for a "good job."

This post is depressing, and this is why I am broke.