Because Your Lil Bubba Is A Lil Beast

Hating to be ignored, my little one was just biting my feet from underneath the kitchen table. She put a hole right through my beloved pair of turquoise Totes slipper socks. Not only does this break my heart, but I am also too broke to do laundry and this was my last pair.

She is currently being caged...

Because Ed McMahon Can't Leave His Hospital Bed

***Now who will be delivering my million dollar check to my doorstep?

TMZ: McMahon Sues For Broken Neck Diagnosis
McMahon Needs To Give Deposition From ICU

LAS VEGAS -- Ed McMahon is suing Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles for allegedly misdiagnosing a broken neck, according to tmz.com.

Cedars’ lawyer wants to take McMahon’s deposition, but if McMahon, who is struggling with bone cancer, does not sit for his deposition, his case can be thrown out of court, TMZ said.

In legal papers filed with the court and obtained by TMZ, McMahon's lawyer wrote a letter to the Cedars' lawyer saying McMahon could only give a deposition from the UCLA Medical Center, because that's where he's been bedridden in ICU for three months.

The letter states, "He is not able to leave his hospital bed. Please suggest appropriate dates next week. Please be advised that Ed remains in ICU so medical precautions will be necessary at the direction of the attending UCLA staff," TMZ said.

Because It Rains Every Day

And like other things, your umbrella just can't quite seem to keep it up...

Because You Have Fallen Victim To Corporate Greed

Who is John Galt?

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was just 20 and only now do I feel it's real power. To have a society where the truly talented people have had to vanish in order to expunge society of the corporate greed and brutal incompetence that has taken over has never seemed more prominent. I like to think that I am now a part of that secret club, on strike, waiting for the time to come back and retake the world.

On Monday, my two year anniversary at my company and the day before I was to embark to Europe on vacation (which naturally had to be canceled), I was laid off. This is the first time since I was legally able to work that I have not had a job. It's scary. It's embarassing and it's downright infuriating. A man will be sending his child to one of the top private schools in the country with ease now, as his stash of Israeli gold continues to build under his mattress as I wait online at pawn shops and look for bottles to deposit.

I was offered no severance, no thank you, no explanation; just an email to make sure I return my keys. We wouldn't want my skinny arms stealing the copier, now would we?

As previously blogged about, NYC unemployment only offers $400/week--barely enough to cover the rent on my studio apartment and food for my beloved puppy. I filed the claim for it yesterday, though I am sure there will be some problem and I will loose precious funds due to more incompetence.

People say I should be excited about my freedom, but it wasn't on my terms (and I don't have a trust fund). I don't get a kareoke party or the satisfaction of saying how much of an asshole my boss was, because then he could contest my unemployment. Being broke leaves us no time to find ourselves or go back to our true passions of writing and art, because student loans don't take that as an excuse for non-payment.

Blog posts will return to being funny soon, though I want to give warning that they will reflect much smaller amounts...maybe Erin and I will even catch a break through pity and secure that book deal we so absolutely deserve. Hint...wink...slap

Because You Maxed Out Your First Credit Card

Good night, New York!

Because They Are Sold Out At Duane Reade

Only able for purchase on the black market...did you hear about swine flu yet? There doesn't seem to be anything in the papers or on TV...

Because The Incentives To Work Are Long Gone

There were a lot of perks two years ago when I started working at my current job- (yes, today is my two year anniversary and I am not expecting a thank you, let alone a cake)-summer Fridays, bonuses, actual salaries, staff lunches, plastic silverware, etc. Perhaps my favorite though was the "Hit of the Week" gift card that was fought for every Friday at the weekly staff meeting. Whichever employee had the greatest results that week walked away with a $100 gift card.

The previously listed perks have all been taken away without any analytical information backing them up, but the hit of the week card stayed...that is until Monday. It has been reduced to $50 in order to save a profitable company (in the millions) $3,000/year.

Now, you may say stop complaining, Nicole, you can still win $50, but this is no win. What used to be a fun Friday activity has turned the remaining broke employees to immorally begging, fighting and desperate for a fucking $50 Visa Vanilla gift card that isn't even accepted at most places. It is actually more of a burden to receive it. Let's think about all the things I can't get:

-Groceries, tomorrow's hair cut, a bikini wax, a ride to Newark airport Tuesday, Ambien CR, the hardcover Jenny Holzer book of Truisms at the Whitney, another tattoo, a decent bottle of Jack Daniel's--aka anything worth purchasing.

Instead the card must be put towards something (a usual complete meltdown for cashiers nationwide) or used piecemeal for sandwiches at Pret.

I got paid yesterday and have $200 leftover after bills to last the next 15 days and did I mention I will be in Europe these days and they don't accept gift cards overseas? Please, anyone out there, hire me. I will organize your closet, watch your dog, spoon-feed your drooling grandpa. I'd even work for a "good job."

This post is depressing, and this is why I am broke.