Because Now I Have To Go To Home Depot To Buy Supplies For The Zombie Apocolypse

The other day I came across this news article: Gentleman in New Orleans Loses Chunk of Arm in Possible Zombie Attack. According to the report, a man was attacked in his garden by a stranger.

Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti's flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground. The man then got on top of Lancellotti and began choking him, the report said.

Then, the weird attacker "CHEWED AND SWALLOWED" the flesh that he had bitten. That, folks, is clearly a zombie. If you're one of the people who I have not told a thousand times already, you should know that I have been having recurring zombie dreams for years now. I have never been able to come up with an explanation for these dreams as I am not an avid zombie movie watcher and zombies don't seem to be a common symbolic dream image. Seeing this news article, I now believe that these dreams were prophetic and have been warning me of approaching doom. Now, you could just pass this off as me being crazy, EXCEPT I'm not the only person who feels this way.

SEE! Woody Harrelson is on the alert for zombies too. And Woody would never say anything crazy. Based on this conclusive evidence it is time to start preparations. I'm going to need a chainsaw, barbed wire, lumber, reinforcements for the door and windows, a propane stove and other survival supples (can one even get all of this at Home Depot? I just sort of have this idea in my head that you can get anything at Home Depot, but I certainly wouldn't know because a zombie attack is pretty much the only thing that would ever bring me to do home improvement). I will probably be constrained by cost and so will not be able to put together a bad ass, Will Smith in I Am Legend kind of set up. After everyone's dead I can scavenge, of course.

There's just one problem with living through these apocolyptic scenarios- the only other survivors will be those backwoods, redneck, survivalist freaks who have stored up years of canned goods and an arsenal of assault weapons in their basement because they're sure that our dark-skinned and oddly-named president is about to lead the muslim hordes accross this great land. Living out the rest of my days surrounded by only these types is probably a fate far, far worse than having my brains eaten. So, considering this, maybe my zombie preparations should become more focused on procuring cyanide pills or something. Can anyone help?